Actual life update forthcoming, of course...but for now just this:
I'm officially making a commitment to stay single for a good long while. Or rather, I'm committing to dating myself.
(...and not just because I can get lucky every night.)
More later, dahhlings-
Monday, January 28, 2013
Saturday, January 5, 2013
On This Newfangled Year
Happy 2013!
Goodbye 2012!
I can't say I made any resolutions per se...especially considering I feel like I'm on an ongoing quest to resolve myself to things. Be healthier! Cook more! Manage my finances! Compliment more people on their rockin' badonks! That said though, I like to take some time every year to make some kind of assessment of where I stand and where I WANT to stand. I like those mirror moments. The times when you can look at your life, your choices, with honesty and authenticity. Without judgment.
Judge less!
Watching Jiro Dreams of Sushi the other night, I realized where I think my energies are headed. MINOR SPOILER ALERT: Jiro's father left at a very young age, and he essentially struck out on his own without looking back. It was just him out there, as a child, with nothing but his work ethic to keep his head above water.
Phenomenal.
And scary.
Unlike Jiro, that didn't result in my intense dedication to my own life on my own terms. It resulted in waiting for permission to live.
I spent many many many years of my life waiting for something. Waiting for a command like a dog with a treat on his nose. I've had the luxuries of time and safety. Even when I've felt like it was just me alone in the big bad world, there has ALWAYS been someone there to have my back. For that, I'm eternally grateful. Even so, I've used it as a crutch. I dedicated my life to being SOMETHING for SOMEONE, or at other times, EVERYTHING for EVERYONE. I stood on the side of the road holding a sign that read "Wherever YOU'RE going" and waited to be picked up and dumped off on another, colder, lonelier stretch of the highway. I hitched so far from myself that when I turned back, there was nothing but dust and tumbleweeds against a bleak sky. I'd curse and stamp my foot, then doggedly pick up my sign and wait. And wait.
I balanced this biscuit on my nose everywhere I went, and when people would say "Okay boy, GET IT!" I'd look bewildered and walk away. Then I'd feel guilty about it.
I was jealous of the people that seemed to 'get it'. The self-assured people that could act without regard to the sabotaging voices in their heads screaming "WHAT IF THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT THING?" I started to think there was something wrong with me. I'd spent months at a time doing judgmental, symptomatic checklists of my faults without any result. I'd fall to my knees and scream "WHYYYY?" as if I'd just realized that it was EARTH. ALL. ALONG. I'd bury my eyes in the past and wonder why it wasn't like this before. What happened? WHERE DID I GO WRONG? All the while never noticing that I could just eat the damn treat myself and be done with it. Done with the waiting. Done with the worry and the paralyzing fear that one simple mistake or imperfection would make my life null and void.
Yet something still got in my way. I felt like a massive, catastrophic, misstep would render me helpless to do anything but leap from a rooftop like the worst superman impersonator ever. When I'd felt my worst, there was always someone else there to lift up my bootstraps for me.
Or rather, as I'm beginning to see more and more clearly, there was always someone there who believed in me enough to never let me throw in the towel. And I didn't. I told myself that it's never been ME that's had my back. I told myself that all I did, I did with a sense of obligation and a fear of disappointing someone more important than I am. I created this mythology that I was a broken person, barely hanging on through the grace of those who cared about me. I told myself that my energies were ever limited and my ultimate goal was to be left alone--so I didn't have to disappoint anyone ever again. I didn't want enemies. I didn't want to let anyone in either. I didn't want to shine too bright, because that's when you fell the furthest.
I didn't want my dad to leave again.
I didn't want to feel what I felt as a child, so I carried myself as if I were. I froze my fears and kept them in a box marked "Monsters".
But monsters aren't real.
And so, here I am. A little banged-up, but far better for those scrapes. Infinitely more confident, more creative, and more excited about everything life has to offer. I accept my role in the world and carve it out with my bare hands. It's the only role that you can ever truly fall back on, and I am beyond grateful for everyone that had a hand in getting me to where I am, whether they know it or not. Authenticity has no judgment.
So on that note, let's take hands and careen into this New Year with boldness, humor, and curiosity. Let's rip off our clothes and sing through the streets. If people are staring, goddammit, let em stare! Let em' think what they think! In the eloquent words of one Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Haters gonna' hate." If somebody has a problem with me, well then, they're not obligated to live my life.
Happy Goddamn New Year, lovelies!
Hearts n' Farts,
Dakotah
Goodbye 2012!
I can't say I made any resolutions per se...especially considering I feel like I'm on an ongoing quest to resolve myself to things. Be healthier! Cook more! Manage my finances! Compliment more people on their rockin' badonks! That said though, I like to take some time every year to make some kind of assessment of where I stand and where I WANT to stand. I like those mirror moments. The times when you can look at your life, your choices, with honesty and authenticity. Without judgment.
Judge less!
Watching Jiro Dreams of Sushi the other night, I realized where I think my energies are headed. MINOR SPOILER ALERT: Jiro's father left at a very young age, and he essentially struck out on his own without looking back. It was just him out there, as a child, with nothing but his work ethic to keep his head above water.
Phenomenal.
And scary.
Unlike Jiro, that didn't result in my intense dedication to my own life on my own terms. It resulted in waiting for permission to live.
I spent many many many years of my life waiting for something. Waiting for a command like a dog with a treat on his nose. I've had the luxuries of time and safety. Even when I've felt like it was just me alone in the big bad world, there has ALWAYS been someone there to have my back. For that, I'm eternally grateful. Even so, I've used it as a crutch. I dedicated my life to being SOMETHING for SOMEONE, or at other times, EVERYTHING for EVERYONE. I stood on the side of the road holding a sign that read "Wherever YOU'RE going" and waited to be picked up and dumped off on another, colder, lonelier stretch of the highway. I hitched so far from myself that when I turned back, there was nothing but dust and tumbleweeds against a bleak sky. I'd curse and stamp my foot, then doggedly pick up my sign and wait. And wait.
I balanced this biscuit on my nose everywhere I went, and when people would say "Okay boy, GET IT!" I'd look bewildered and walk away. Then I'd feel guilty about it.
I was jealous of the people that seemed to 'get it'. The self-assured people that could act without regard to the sabotaging voices in their heads screaming "WHAT IF THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT THING?" I started to think there was something wrong with me. I'd spent months at a time doing judgmental, symptomatic checklists of my faults without any result. I'd fall to my knees and scream "WHYYYY?" as if I'd just realized that it was EARTH. ALL. ALONG. I'd bury my eyes in the past and wonder why it wasn't like this before. What happened? WHERE DID I GO WRONG? All the while never noticing that I could just eat the damn treat myself and be done with it. Done with the waiting. Done with the worry and the paralyzing fear that one simple mistake or imperfection would make my life null and void.
Yet something still got in my way. I felt like a massive, catastrophic, misstep would render me helpless to do anything but leap from a rooftop like the worst superman impersonator ever. When I'd felt my worst, there was always someone else there to lift up my bootstraps for me.
Or rather, as I'm beginning to see more and more clearly, there was always someone there who believed in me enough to never let me throw in the towel. And I didn't. I told myself that it's never been ME that's had my back. I told myself that all I did, I did with a sense of obligation and a fear of disappointing someone more important than I am. I created this mythology that I was a broken person, barely hanging on through the grace of those who cared about me. I told myself that my energies were ever limited and my ultimate goal was to be left alone--so I didn't have to disappoint anyone ever again. I didn't want enemies. I didn't want to let anyone in either. I didn't want to shine too bright, because that's when you fell the furthest.
I didn't want my dad to leave again.
I didn't want to feel what I felt as a child, so I carried myself as if I were. I froze my fears and kept them in a box marked "Monsters".
But monsters aren't real.
And so, here I am. A little banged-up, but far better for those scrapes. Infinitely more confident, more creative, and more excited about everything life has to offer. I accept my role in the world and carve it out with my bare hands. It's the only role that you can ever truly fall back on, and I am beyond grateful for everyone that had a hand in getting me to where I am, whether they know it or not. Authenticity has no judgment.
So on that note, let's take hands and careen into this New Year with boldness, humor, and curiosity. Let's rip off our clothes and sing through the streets. If people are staring, goddammit, let em stare! Let em' think what they think! In the eloquent words of one Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Haters gonna' hate." If somebody has a problem with me, well then, they're not obligated to live my life.
Happy Goddamn New Year, lovelies!
Hearts n' Farts,
Dakotah
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