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| Ouch. |
It's been a tough few weeks, balanced out
with amazing bouts of
teaching, theater, and art in general. All the
while, the hair on the back of my neck is on end. GUH. I want to feel
completely free to pursue all these wacky ideas I've got, and the only
way to do that is to loosen my grip on some things. That's vague. If you
want to know what's got my goat, we can chat. That said, it sounds like the universe is constantly shouting "SEE? NOT HOW YOU THOUGHT THINGS WOULD GO, HUH?" And that's good, of course! Just scary as all hell. Frankly, I thought my life would run according to a set of rules I'd established long ago. Turns out...no. I don't know what I thought I did. I know less and less the older I get. |
| This was my Sunday. What did YOU do? |
For years, all I wanted to be was 'nice'. 'Nice' is easy to get along with and easy to forget. You can't set your crosshairs on 'nice', and for someone who perceived danger around every corner, that worked really well for me. As a result, I began retreating from myself as I attempted to be everything to everyone. As I get older, I'm starting to understand the impossibility and danger of that. I didn't look out for me. I started to forget the things I wanted, the things I desired and burned for. My biggest WANT was to be left alone. It was to no longer feel responsible for the stuff I decided WAS my responsibility. I just wanted to hide in a corner with my coffee and a book that had nothing to do with theater. It wasn't the hard work I was afraid of...it was the letting EVERYONE down.
All this time, I'd waited for someone to come around and tell me, "Okay, it's time to pay attention to yourSELF now." That's never going to happen.
I don't know, you guys. I honestly don't know what to do. I'm getting tired of my own anxieties. I'm getting angry at my patterns. I'm seriously not sure what to do.
And I expected this post to be so driven and stuff...
Loves,
D
