The longer I spend doing theater and various projects in this city, the more I'm reminded of a rather deep part of my persona.
I like doing things on my own. On my own terms.
Now this isn't a round denouncement of what's going on in this city at all, it's all great. It's just not all something I'd jump for joy to be involved with. I've always really known what I wanted, but I haven't always FOLLOWED it. It made for dishonesty when I was too scared to say 'no' to people. Then the notion of "doing anything for others" > "doing anything for myself" began to creep into my psyche and evolve there. For a long time, I thought the secret to success was being really easy to get along with, even at the risk of what was right or true for me. Not only would I lend other people or situations my time, but I'd lend them a part of myself. I would give and give until there was nothing left when I looked in the mirror. I'd not only GIVEN but TAKEN ON so many other thought processes, philosophies, ideas, and notions that when I asked myself what I wanted and who I was, I was met with cavernous silence.
I took on pieces of others in order to hide my own shame about who I was. I spent my much of my life in an ill-fitting skin. I felt like Edgar, shambling around the earth, looking for his brethren (and sugar water.) Only recently have I realized just how MUCH I ally with anyone, ANYONE, just to fit in and hide my discomfort. Hell, it's a skill that helped me survive. After living in so many different places; crash pads, friends and families' homes, motels, and dormitories, all with different sets of rules that I needed to learn on the fly. Not only that, if I didn't learn the rules of each place, it meant certain doom as far as five year old Deeks could tell. Being nice to people--agreeing with them and getting on their team isn't an inherent part of my nature, it's a tactic I picked up so I wouldn't be living on the streets. In my mind, there was no reason not to turn me out in the cold and reject me, so I had to make myself necessary.
And let me tell you, it has BACKFIRED.
Custom-making myself in order to stay out of trouble is a skill I've mastered...and it's one I really don't need anymore. Hell, I don't even WANT it. I'll take hurting someone's feelings for the sake of my OWN honesty over repressing every fiber in my being in order to live a little easier in the world I do. If I don't keep the pattern in check, I sink into a depression. I get to a point in which my gut feelings and true thoughts are so quiet that I struggle to decide what it is I need for myself. I then tell myself the story that I'm utterly trapped where I am and even ESCAPE is out of the question because OTHER PEOPLE wouldn't like that.
So there's the problem. What's the solution?
For me or anyone else whose feelings of shame or unworthiness keeps them from acting in their own best interests and being on their own team:
1. First of all, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.
I know it's on every one of these listy-poos, but it's hard to see a long distance with familiar walls around you. The act of simply closing the front door behind you and finding a nice little base camp of your own somewhere in the world will make all the difference. Why? Because YOU chose it. You decided to grab the shade under this particularly lovely tree, or you decided to grab a coffee and sit in a corner (where I am currently), or you decided to have a beer at your favorite hole-in-the-wall. Regardless, you did it. You chose it.
2. Write.
Yup, this is a fairly obvious one too, but it REALLLY helps. Your thoughts will bounce around in your own head forever unless you give them something to bounce off of. Even if that thing is a crumpled up napkin, your thoughts are manifesting themselves. It's a hell of a lot easier to deal with your feelings when they're made tangible. Try drawing a self-portrait in your mind. Can you maintain every stroke of the pencil? Can you remember every bit of shading? I can't. I need to really DO it.
3. Tell the world to go fuck itself.
Whoops. Language. But seriously, this is the most difficult thing of all for some of us. It certainly is for me. And while it IS a "go fuck yourself, world." it isn't meant with any malicious intent whatsoever. Rather, it's a forceful way to go 'back to zero' so to speak. Shut out all your expectations and the expectations you THINK the world has of you and get back to what it is you truly want and desire. Sometimes its necessary to slam the door for the sake of the resulting silence.
4. Take a knee.
Take some time to sit there and just BE. Learn to be okay with yourself. Learn that you don't have to do ANYTHING to have intrinsic value. You have it. You're here, on earth. You're a contributor whether you like it or not. You don't have to overcompensate and show OTHERS how great you are. Just BE. The results will be the same, and you'll be happier for it.
5. Fight for YOU.
When you step into the arena and face down the lion, the spectators won't be there to help you. Fight for yourself. Don't settle. You know what to do. Your abilities are exactly what you need them to be. Now. At this moment. And if they aren't, they'll inevitably grow out of necessity. You can only get better at being you.
6. Practice Empathy.
Do you give other people more credit than you ever give yourself, too? That's a mode of thinking built to keep yourself BENEATH the rest of the world. It places you in a victim state of mind, where you'll wait for your TURN to be important. Why wait? How are you ever going to walk into the building if you hold the door open for the entire world? Practice having some empathy for YOURSELF. Let yourself off the hook. I promise you, your capacity for ill is probably a lot less than you think. You may have been taught to believe otherwise, but those are someone ELSE's lessons. Not yours. Be the ring coach in your own corner. Wash out your mouth, replace your guard, massage your shoulders, and give yourself a shove. And once you're going round for round for the heavyweight title, cheer yourself on!
7. Let your babies go.
I have a tendency to baby the world around me. I don't reveal my sharp edges or my solid honesty that often because I taught myself that other people can't handle it. I thought I had to be quiet and be 'part of the team'. And the team doesn't speak ill of other teammates. I thought I'd be a jerk if I ever really let loose. NOT. GODDAMN. TRUE. Let em have it! Only your ACTUAL CHILDREN are your babies. You don't have to get trampled and pretend you like it. Every day you live is a day you're teaching the rest of the world how to deal with you. Allow yourself the vulnerability of living in your honesty and tossing the consequences. I don't mean just...y'know...do whatever you want. Simply that you don't have to have the kid gloves on all the time. I love that I have near endless patience, but patience and honesty aren't mutually exclusive. You wouldn't want others to treat you like you couldn't handle the truth, so why return the favor?
HOO BOY. Obviously the solution involves more than these seven things, but these are concept that I must CONSTANTLY remind myself--or else I slip into a quiet, awful pattern and start hating the person I am. So take what's helpful and toss the rest.
And live. On YOUR terms.
Love ya,
Dak
