Okay, so full disclosure...
I've been oscillating between depression, anxiety, fear, and very infrequent high notes of success and happiness. It's really not easy for me. As a matter of fact, every single day is becoming more and more of a struggle. Every moment, in fact. One of my major struggles is letting people in and admitting when things aren't okay. When I'M not okay. I haven't been okay in a long time. In the shadow of the moment-to-moment survival is the fear that things will simply become more chaotic and get more difficult until I really run out of choices as far as how I can live my life. It's starting to happen already, in fact. More often than not I feel like a failure that's simply mitigating the damage as I ride this perpetual tailspin. On top of it all, I try really hard to maintain a positive attitude and cling to some modicum of faith that everything will turn out alright in the end.
I've been through the ringer so many times that there's nothing left except who I really am. I can't fake anything anymore, and I wanted to share that. I've survived on a wish and a prayer and a massive support system and because I have to. Through it all, it feels like there isn't isn't much left of me...but the reality is there isn't much left of the person I thought I was or pretended to be. All that's left is what I am now. Am I proud of that person? I'll probably get there. At this point I feel like a statistic, not a person.
The biggest thing I have to mention is this. I have a daughter. She's a few months old and lives with her mother.
I'm in the process of setting up child support to help them along--but
in the meantime, I've been flat broke and have been accruing debt for
months. Therefore I've been scouring auditions and job listings while being bolstered by waffling, untrustworthy unemployment insurance benefits.
If you want
the whole story, you can talk to me individually. The long and short of
it is, I understand how my career works. More often than not, there are
very lean months. Times where I barely make enough to support myself,
and I was certain that it would be years before I would ever even slightly consider bringing a child into my whirlwind of a life. Yet the decision was made for me, it isn't what I wanted, but here we are--and I have to make it work the only way I know how.
I hope with this--with transparency and nakedness--there can be a light in the distance. I can't necessarily see it, but I can feel its presence and I'm gradually moving toward a completely unfamiliar stage of my life. I know that stage is going to be infinitely more authentic and free than it feels at this moment. Right now, it's uphill.
You guys be well. I'll do my best to do the same.
Love,
Dakotah
