Hah, 'Monthly'.
Nah, I just wanted to link a couple of my current favorite online vids. Starting with--
MUSIC
WARNING: ADJUST YOUR SPEAKERS, I DON'T KNOW WHY THIS IS SO LOUD OH GOD HELP--
Also-if I ever got something animated--it'd basically be thirty minutes of THIS.
You love it. 0:56 is my current computer background.
And now--HOLY JUXTAPOSITION, BATMAN!!
So please bake me cookies.
HILARITY
The best part of this video is the fact that MY MOM produced it. For realskies.
WEAR DEODORANT, NIGGA.
Also...
Evidently, she's a YouTube celebrity--but that's news to me. She's awesome, though.
BLAM BLAM BLAM
Yeah fine, it's old. I still like it.
POTPOURRI
Aww boo, I can't embed this one.
ANYWAY, yes. Go finish your laundry! Stop wasting time.
Love,
Dakotah
P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BROTHER, CLIFF!!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Same Teams!!
Hey all! Here are some brief updates Re:My Existence--
Our cast played Lazer Tag at the nearby Family Fun Center between our workshop and our evening show (which took place at a GORGEOUS little outdoor space surrounded by massive pillars.) Vince and Wes took the lead in the first and second games, respectively--but I snagged second in both rounds. BLINDFIRING AROUND CORNERS FOR THE GODDAMN WIN.
Yeah, bitches--I've got an alternate firing mode.
"Bull in a vagina shop" is my new favorite phrase. Spread the word. Be the toast of the now with your 'fresher-than-E40' lingo.
Somehow or another, while walking to Borders or Fuddruckers, I forget which, a strange concept suddenly hit me. As I looked out at the traffic (and the following day, as I looked out at our high school audience) I realized that we are--inextricably on the same team. It wasn't the usual "Love everybody!" message, but instead a more practical sort of "Same teams, man! Same teams!" the thing you shout at someone when they come around the corner during a water fight. It's delightfully simple and reassuring. Remember, in fact, the sudden rush of assurance you got when you realized that not only is this person in front of you not your enemy, but in fact they're working with you to accomplish a goal? That's what our true nature is when we quit ignoring it. Even someone who does potentially negative things--its not necessary to place them so close that their exploits (positive or negative) have a deep emotional effect on you. Its enough to realize that your goals are in line.
Whoops, fell off my soapbox there--
Anyway, I'll write more when I'm in a 'writey' place. As it stands, I've got too many things I want to DO. I'm like a bull in a vagina shop.
FULL CIRCLE FOR THE WIN.
Love,
Dakotah
P.S. I heard in some song that apparently, every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.
P.P.S. Also, I got a haircuit from a dude who, while hanging out with his Reiki master, had bought a 200 dollar jewelry chest from Nepal ON A WHIM. Yeah, turns out I had misconceptions about Omaha. And yes, my foot tastes GREAT.
Our cast played Lazer Tag at the nearby Family Fun Center between our workshop and our evening show (which took place at a GORGEOUS little outdoor space surrounded by massive pillars.) Vince and Wes took the lead in the first and second games, respectively--but I snagged second in both rounds. BLINDFIRING AROUND CORNERS FOR THE GODDAMN WIN.
Yeah, bitches--I've got an alternate firing mode.
"Bull in a vagina shop" is my new favorite phrase. Spread the word. Be the toast of the now with your 'fresher-than-E40' lingo.
Somehow or another, while walking to Borders or Fuddruckers, I forget which, a strange concept suddenly hit me. As I looked out at the traffic (and the following day, as I looked out at our high school audience) I realized that we are--inextricably on the same team. It wasn't the usual "Love everybody!" message, but instead a more practical sort of "Same teams, man! Same teams!" the thing you shout at someone when they come around the corner during a water fight. It's delightfully simple and reassuring. Remember, in fact, the sudden rush of assurance you got when you realized that not only is this person in front of you not your enemy, but in fact they're working with you to accomplish a goal? That's what our true nature is when we quit ignoring it. Even someone who does potentially negative things--its not necessary to place them so close that their exploits (positive or negative) have a deep emotional effect on you. Its enough to realize that your goals are in line.
Whoops, fell off my soapbox there--
Anyway, I'll write more when I'm in a 'writey' place. As it stands, I've got too many things I want to DO. I'm like a bull in a vagina shop.
FULL CIRCLE FOR THE WIN.
Love,
Dakotah
P.S. I heard in some song that apparently, every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.
P.P.S. Also, I got a haircuit from a dude who, while hanging out with his Reiki master, had bought a 200 dollar jewelry chest from Nepal ON A WHIM. Yeah, turns out I had misconceptions about Omaha. And yes, my foot tastes GREAT.
Friday, October 2, 2009
What's your FAVORITE thing about touring?
"What's your favorite thing about touring?" asked the girl from Central High's school paper. Her tone sounded like she'd asked herself in a mirror over and over and now it was CRUNCH TIME. In the background, a fellow staffer was snapping pictures. I leaned down toward her phone, which she was using to record our chat.
"Well," I began as I heard Maria (our awesome Lady M and all-around super cool lady) answering the exact same question behind me, "I love the fact that we're presented with an entirely new show every night." My subtext was Don't sweat it, future journalist, you're doing fine! This is probably weirder for me than it is for you. "That space is different, the audience is different, it all informs the kind of show we have in the end. I love it, it's like theatre boot camp."
Indeed it is.
I thought about the past week or so. Counting the two previews, we'd done about 10 shows and 2 workshops since last Friday. I haven't gotten up this early this frequently since High School. Many a morning, I found myself trudging to our meeting spot (The Omaha Community Playhouse) with my hands buried in my sweatshirt pockets, trying to squeak out a warm-up on the way there while I attempt to wrap my brain around this career path. I wake up at 5:30am to get together with friends, drive to a high-school and MAKE BELIEVE for an hour. Last Wednesday, we had three shows. That means three load-ins and load-outs. Three sets of fight calls (The final Macbeth Macduff scene on the final performance was an exercise in endurance.) And a whole lot of STANKY LEGGINGS. Afterward, I felt like I unlocked a damn Achievement. If you can do that, you can do any-fucking-thing.
"So, you've been doing this for a while. Do you like your other cast members?" she asks, a bit more relaxed now after we'd chatted a bit.
"I love em'. I LOVE EM'." Tune it down, Dakotah--you're scaring the poor highschooler. "It's a pleasure to work with such an amazing group of people. We all really have each others' backs out there." And we do. We've yet to have our Perfect Show, so in the meantime--we're ready to jump in on a missed cue, help each other put on clothes (in AND out of show, ROWR--no that's not true), clarify stuff, dial shit up/down, and if need be--deliver Maria's baby. I'm just sayin'--how awesome a story would that be? "And she never broke character!"
"Do you ever get tired doing the same show over and over?"
"No, not really." I wished one of the kids had asked this in the talkback. I've been wanting to verbalize this thought process for a while. "The way I see it, every night you're noticing something else. It's like when you watch a movie over and over--you start to appreciate the minutiae. The more we do it, the more new stuff I hear every day."
"Oh wow," Reporty McReportpants laughs, no longer in 'reporter mode', "I never thought about it like that."
"Yeah."
"So, how did you like Central High?"
"Ah-" I pause. How exactly do I say this? "They're rambunctious, but pretty focused. I think they really dug the show." Well done, Brown. No f-bombs. To be honest, they had some trouble with unsex me here, and all the murders--which are evidently HILARIOUS(??), and I definitely saw some kids sleeping, reading, and playing with either PSPs or their wieners (I couldn't tell, it was three dudes hunkered into their chairs all looking at one dude's crotch.) To be honest, the best shows we've had were at a pair of havens for underprivileged children. The kids helped us set up, paid INCREDIBLY close attention to the show (which they LOVED), and their questions were the most intelligent we'll probably get on the tour. On top of that, they're all SUPER sweet kids. I'm amazed that we got to enrich their lives with our make believe. We're actually helping people. Shakespeare is fucking AWESOME.
"Well thank you," the girl said into her phone, "thanks a lot."
"Oh yeah, of course! Thanks for comin' to the show! Pleasure to meet you." and she leaves after a firm, professional handshake.
I have the best job ever.
"Well," I began as I heard Maria (our awesome Lady M and all-around super cool lady) answering the exact same question behind me, "I love the fact that we're presented with an entirely new show every night." My subtext was Don't sweat it, future journalist, you're doing fine! This is probably weirder for me than it is for you. "That space is different, the audience is different, it all informs the kind of show we have in the end. I love it, it's like theatre boot camp."
Indeed it is.
I thought about the past week or so. Counting the two previews, we'd done about 10 shows and 2 workshops since last Friday. I haven't gotten up this early this frequently since High School. Many a morning, I found myself trudging to our meeting spot (The Omaha Community Playhouse) with my hands buried in my sweatshirt pockets, trying to squeak out a warm-up on the way there while I attempt to wrap my brain around this career path. I wake up at 5:30am to get together with friends, drive to a high-school and MAKE BELIEVE for an hour. Last Wednesday, we had three shows. That means three load-ins and load-outs. Three sets of fight calls (The final Macbeth Macduff scene on the final performance was an exercise in endurance.) And a whole lot of STANKY LEGGINGS. Afterward, I felt like I unlocked a damn Achievement. If you can do that, you can do any-fucking-thing.
"So, you've been doing this for a while. Do you like your other cast members?" she asks, a bit more relaxed now after we'd chatted a bit.
"I love em'. I LOVE EM'." Tune it down, Dakotah--you're scaring the poor highschooler. "It's a pleasure to work with such an amazing group of people. We all really have each others' backs out there." And we do. We've yet to have our Perfect Show, so in the meantime--we're ready to jump in on a missed cue, help each other put on clothes (in AND out of show, ROWR--no that's not true), clarify stuff, dial shit up/down, and if need be--deliver Maria's baby. I'm just sayin'--how awesome a story would that be? "And she never broke character!"
"Do you ever get tired doing the same show over and over?"
"No, not really." I wished one of the kids had asked this in the talkback. I've been wanting to verbalize this thought process for a while. "The way I see it, every night you're noticing something else. It's like when you watch a movie over and over--you start to appreciate the minutiae. The more we do it, the more new stuff I hear every day."
"Oh wow," Reporty McReportpants laughs, no longer in 'reporter mode', "I never thought about it like that."
"Yeah."
"So, how did you like Central High?"
"Ah-" I pause. How exactly do I say this? "They're rambunctious, but pretty focused. I think they really dug the show." Well done, Brown. No f-bombs. To be honest, they had some trouble with unsex me here, and all the murders--which are evidently HILARIOUS(??), and I definitely saw some kids sleeping, reading, and playing with either PSPs or their wieners (I couldn't tell, it was three dudes hunkered into their chairs all looking at one dude's crotch.) To be honest, the best shows we've had were at a pair of havens for underprivileged children. The kids helped us set up, paid INCREDIBLY close attention to the show (which they LOVED), and their questions were the most intelligent we'll probably get on the tour. On top of that, they're all SUPER sweet kids. I'm amazed that we got to enrich their lives with our make believe. We're actually helping people. Shakespeare is fucking AWESOME.
"Well thank you," the girl said into her phone, "thanks a lot."
"Oh yeah, of course! Thanks for comin' to the show! Pleasure to meet you." and she leaves after a firm, professional handshake.
I have the best job ever.
Monday, September 28, 2009
BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES!
I think I promised I'd add an addendum to a previous post. That was a lie. Suffice to say--I was nearly mauled by cougars, my phone broke, and I bought a sweatshirt.
There's your update.
So we had our official first show at the Sumter Amphitheater in Papillion. It was an amazing little space--up on a hill and removed from the sparse little San Jose-outskirtsy city of Papillion. The show itself was a bit wonky--but that's because many of us were worried about the set blowing down around us. That wouldn't NORMALLY be too big a deal, but it consists of five flats-each with at least 4 REALLY POINTY parts that you wouldn't want to be on the business end of. Add to that the fact that the floor was slippery polished concrete, and you have a recipe for a distraction stew. Or, at least, a bisque.
I felt in and out, altogether. This I feel I can attribute to my lack of sleep the previous night. Since my phone broke, I had to find another alarm...and because its one I'd never used before, I couldn't be entirely sure that it would work properly. I spend the night freaking out about it and woke up 3 anxious hours later. GUH.
Aside from that shtorf--it's been an interesting morning. I got the Rifftrax for The Room and watched it--it's funny, but the movie in and of itself might be funnier. The whole basis for the movie is for you and your friends to watch it and make the commentary yourselves--but there ARE some gems.
Also, I've been in a very odd mood. I'm not sure exactly what its about--but I feel like it began with the worry/thought/consideration that I'm beginning to lose something. That sounds ambiguous, and my explanation won't make it make any MORE sense per se--but I'll try anyway. There is always a dissonance between what you find yourself to be and what you expected yourself to be at this point in your life. That's a wonderful thing--it teaches you firsthand that life is an ambivalent beast and you should roll with the punches. That said though, I don't want to lose my grip on the belief that I can still DO ANYTHING. Y'know? If, once I get back, I decide that I want to move to Japan. I'm of two different minds about that--half of me (the grownup?) says "No no no, why would you do that? There's no reason for THAT." and the other half is saying, "Yeah! Are you kidding? What an adventure!" I'm just having some trouble reconciling the 'adventure' part. To be honest--there's a lot of excitement in saying "Fuck everything, there is no 'right way', hoist the sails!" I just want to make abso-tutely sure that 'no path' is a path I can follow, too. I'm nervous, excited, loopy, freaked-out, determined, anxious, and ecstatic. Whew.
Much much much loves!
Dakotah
There's your update.
So we had our official first show at the Sumter Amphitheater in Papillion. It was an amazing little space--up on a hill and removed from the sparse little San Jose-outskirtsy city of Papillion. The show itself was a bit wonky--but that's because many of us were worried about the set blowing down around us. That wouldn't NORMALLY be too big a deal, but it consists of five flats-each with at least 4 REALLY POINTY parts that you wouldn't want to be on the business end of. Add to that the fact that the floor was slippery polished concrete, and you have a recipe for a distraction stew. Or, at least, a bisque.
I felt in and out, altogether. This I feel I can attribute to my lack of sleep the previous night. Since my phone broke, I had to find another alarm...and because its one I'd never used before, I couldn't be entirely sure that it would work properly. I spend the night freaking out about it and woke up 3 anxious hours later. GUH.
Aside from that shtorf--it's been an interesting morning. I got the Rifftrax for The Room and watched it--it's funny, but the movie in and of itself might be funnier. The whole basis for the movie is for you and your friends to watch it and make the commentary yourselves--but there ARE some gems.
Also, I've been in a very odd mood. I'm not sure exactly what its about--but I feel like it began with the worry/thought/consideration that I'm beginning to lose something. That sounds ambiguous, and my explanation won't make it make any MORE sense per se--but I'll try anyway. There is always a dissonance between what you find yourself to be and what you expected yourself to be at this point in your life. That's a wonderful thing--it teaches you firsthand that life is an ambivalent beast and you should roll with the punches. That said though, I don't want to lose my grip on the belief that I can still DO ANYTHING. Y'know? If, once I get back, I decide that I want to move to Japan. I'm of two different minds about that--half of me (the grownup?) says "No no no, why would you do that? There's no reason for THAT." and the other half is saying, "Yeah! Are you kidding? What an adventure!" I'm just having some trouble reconciling the 'adventure' part. To be honest--there's a lot of excitement in saying "Fuck everything, there is no 'right way', hoist the sails!" I just want to make abso-tutely sure that 'no path' is a path I can follow, too. I'm nervous, excited, loopy, freaked-out, determined, anxious, and ecstatic. Whew.
Much much much loves!
Dakotah
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Fun Sized!
Here are a few nibbles of thought from this evening so far--
How come the one Asian guy at Fuddruckers was wearing a Bruce Lee shirt? Who wrote tonight's goddamn episode? I could use their blatant lack of tact on my staff.
Budweiser is actually the serf of beers. Perhaps in a bloody regime change in might sneak in and usurp the throne.
Where are all my Mexicans at? How am I supposed to practice my awkward, stumbling, Espanol? PISO MOJADO!
Pomplamoose is a band I'd talk about if I wanted to get into bed with a short-haired girl with black-rimmed glasses and an ironic t-shirt.
The night is young, expect a much less cohesive addendum to this post in a matter of hours.
How come the one Asian guy at Fuddruckers was wearing a Bruce Lee shirt? Who wrote tonight's goddamn episode? I could use their blatant lack of tact on my staff.
Budweiser is actually the serf of beers. Perhaps in a bloody regime change in might sneak in and usurp the throne.
Where are all my Mexicans at? How am I supposed to practice my awkward, stumbling, Espanol? PISO MOJADO!
Pomplamoose is a band I'd talk about if I wanted to get into bed with a short-haired girl with black-rimmed glasses and an ironic t-shirt.
The night is young, expect a much less cohesive addendum to this post in a matter of hours.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Let the Seasons Begin~
Last night was our final dress for the show, and we're off to our preview today. I feel pretty damn good about it now, too. Matter of fact, I leave for the Omaha Playhouse in about half an hour to meet everyone else at the touring van. We'll drive to Creighton, load in, have a reception, then do the show. Cah-razy!
In other news, the weather has really cooled down. The trees are getting that gutted cigarette color and the gnats have all but instantaneously vanished. I got paid on Wednesday--then after a bit of fantastic irresponsible spending, I've bought (organic!) groceries to last me a good solid week or so. The scariest part is, I think, the fact that I'll be back home in L.A. before I get halfway through my daily vitamins. I think that gives them a profound significance. A weight. I'm going to have to measure my time in milligrams from now on.
But seriously, folks--
I'm a little nervous about tonight. I just don't know what to expect. Its funny, I'd feel fine walking onto the PAT or the Hatlen stage at UCSB and delivering a solo show off the dome, but this new location thing is a bit nerve-wracking. I think the best thing to keep in mind is that an audience is an audience is an audience. People are people are people. Aside from minor technical adjustments, there's not much to even consider worrying about. Our show is good. I know what I'm doing, and most importantly the show knows what it is.
In other news, I finally started setting aside time to read The Gunslinger, which Vince (Macbeth) let me borrow. I'm liking it so far, which is to say--ahem--all 54 pages of it. In addition, I decided to give my least favorite Final Fantasy another go. That's right, I'm replaying FFVIII. I still despise Squall Whinenhart--but I think I have a more refine take on the approach now. It is, EXTREMELY Japanese. It's a highly technological world that centers around an institution of learning, but has a keenly mystical element that centers around deity figures. How did they poosibly come up with oh wait, they looked outside. Thus far, this has been the most interesting aspect of this new playthrough. Well, I mean...that and the fact that this decade old game still has some amazing visuals during the cinematics. We'll see how far I get before I either-
A.) Decide I've been wrong all along and power through the narrative--which I'll undoubtedly find interesting and resonant.
B.) Get so irritated with Squall's bitching that I give it the big Eff You again.
C.) Squeeze every last game-breaking drop out of the junction system for ten hours, and breeze through the four discs in a single afternoon.
In addition, the list of women I'll sadly never marry is growing by leaps and bounds--for instance--enjoy this delicious blog. I guess Beansy knows her or something? She's a CCS alum. Whatever, I don't even care...
I've gotta' wrap this up so I make call time. Love love loves!
Dakotah (the hottest youtube video in the world is right here) Brown.
In other news, the weather has really cooled down. The trees are getting that gutted cigarette color and the gnats have all but instantaneously vanished. I got paid on Wednesday--then after a bit of fantastic irresponsible spending, I've bought (organic!) groceries to last me a good solid week or so. The scariest part is, I think, the fact that I'll be back home in L.A. before I get halfway through my daily vitamins. I think that gives them a profound significance. A weight. I'm going to have to measure my time in milligrams from now on.
But seriously, folks--
I'm a little nervous about tonight. I just don't know what to expect. Its funny, I'd feel fine walking onto the PAT or the Hatlen stage at UCSB and delivering a solo show off the dome, but this new location thing is a bit nerve-wracking. I think the best thing to keep in mind is that an audience is an audience is an audience. People are people are people. Aside from minor technical adjustments, there's not much to even consider worrying about. Our show is good. I know what I'm doing, and most importantly the show knows what it is.
In other news, I finally started setting aside time to read The Gunslinger, which Vince (Macbeth) let me borrow. I'm liking it so far, which is to say--ahem--all 54 pages of it. In addition, I decided to give my least favorite Final Fantasy another go. That's right, I'm replaying FFVIII. I still despise Squall Whinenhart--but I think I have a more refine take on the approach now. It is, EXTREMELY Japanese. It's a highly technological world that centers around an institution of learning, but has a keenly mystical element that centers around deity figures. How did they poosibly come up with oh wait, they looked outside. Thus far, this has been the most interesting aspect of this new playthrough. Well, I mean...that and the fact that this decade old game still has some amazing visuals during the cinematics. We'll see how far I get before I either-
A.) Decide I've been wrong all along and power through the narrative--which I'll undoubtedly find interesting and resonant.
B.) Get so irritated with Squall's bitching that I give it the big Eff You again.
C.) Squeeze every last game-breaking drop out of the junction system for ten hours, and breeze through the four discs in a single afternoon.
In addition, the list of women I'll sadly never marry is growing by leaps and bounds--for instance--enjoy this delicious blog. I guess Beansy knows her or something? She's a CCS alum. Whatever, I don't even care...
I've gotta' wrap this up so I make call time. Love love loves!
Dakotah (the hottest youtube video in the world is right here) Brown.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
A Star to Sail Her By
I don't ascribe to any religion. I never have. I've been to church a few times, various temples and what-not, and I do have a healthy respect for others' beliefs. Indeed on the grounds of the Tokyo Meiji shrine, surrounded by Buddhist monks in traditional dress and wooden gates that tower above you like gentle colossi, it isn't hard to be floored by the sheer energy of the place. This brings me quite neatly I think, to the belief system I've sort of cobbled together for myself. I believe in energy, in a sort of larger magnetism. I believe that when we stray from this magnetism, we feel the dissonance somewhere deep within ourselves. That may sound very esoteric or out there, but it basically comes down to listening to your true self. Remember them? That serene fucker who isn't bowled over my minor missteps, the one who calmly watches your misfortunes with a slight grin and offers the quiet advice that we ignore? The one who we shove out of the way when we pretend we know about that one band/movie/book somebody refers to? Now I realize I'm making a broad generalization. Perhaps I should keep this specific.
Me, I'm talking about myself, here.
The reason I started in on beliefs is because I too often feel bogged down by the immense weight of...the universe, I guess? At least, that's a heroically dramatic way to put it. What it really amounts to is the fact that I find myself living under the same rules I unconsciously set for myself when I was a child. I'm certain many folks never grow out of that. It's really easy to abide by the patterns you establish throughout your life and cling to them like a security blanket. I, for one, simply MUST feel like the 'In-Trouble Boy'. A child who hides his true fingerpainting sloppy-eating nature from adults because he has to 'be good'. It's something I feel comfortable with, even though its extremely negative. Its easier though, for me not to be myself in circumstances in which I feel uncomfortable. It's waaay simpler to nod and smile and give the right answers so people will like you. That's the thing nobody tells you. It's actually really difficult to own up to the fact that folks are going to think you're a dick sometimes, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. If anything, frankly, you should embrace it! I mean--hell if its who you are, and if its based in honesty and not fear then all you're doing is sifting through the flour. You're finding out who likes you for you and who likes you because you make them feel good about themselves. Unfortunately when your subconscious pattern dictates that you should surround yourself with people who 'accept' you so you can feel confident about where you stand--all you're doing is hanging yourself slowly. You've assembled a parade of empty, smiling backslappers who've crowd-surfed you out of your own body and away from yourself. This is something I set up for myself. This fear-based foot shooting is worse than the weekend-long procrasturbation that keeps us from our to-do list. Personally, I fear that anything I put forth energetically simply won't be good enough--just won't do. And hey, I've got plenty of contradicting evidence, too!
But I can only ignore myself for so long before something breaks. Before something gives way and melts. We are filled to the brim with stardust, and no matter how many coats we throw around our bodies, its not long before we belch up a furious comet or begin to leak nebulas from our navels. 'Be' is good, 'Be Aware' is better, 'Be Bold' is great and 'Be Rad' is what life wants you to do anyway. We're not programmed to fail, which is why we never truly do.
Love Love Love and Love,
Dakotah
Also I got you this website, it seems like the type of thing you'd be into. I mean sure, go ahead and keep the receipt if you want.
Me, I'm talking about myself, here.
The reason I started in on beliefs is because I too often feel bogged down by the immense weight of...the universe, I guess? At least, that's a heroically dramatic way to put it. What it really amounts to is the fact that I find myself living under the same rules I unconsciously set for myself when I was a child. I'm certain many folks never grow out of that. It's really easy to abide by the patterns you establish throughout your life and cling to them like a security blanket. I, for one, simply MUST feel like the 'In-Trouble Boy'. A child who hides his true fingerpainting sloppy-eating nature from adults because he has to 'be good'. It's something I feel comfortable with, even though its extremely negative. Its easier though, for me not to be myself in circumstances in which I feel uncomfortable. It's waaay simpler to nod and smile and give the right answers so people will like you. That's the thing nobody tells you. It's actually really difficult to own up to the fact that folks are going to think you're a dick sometimes, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. If anything, frankly, you should embrace it! I mean--hell if its who you are, and if its based in honesty and not fear then all you're doing is sifting through the flour. You're finding out who likes you for you and who likes you because you make them feel good about themselves. Unfortunately when your subconscious pattern dictates that you should surround yourself with people who 'accept' you so you can feel confident about where you stand--all you're doing is hanging yourself slowly. You've assembled a parade of empty, smiling backslappers who've crowd-surfed you out of your own body and away from yourself. This is something I set up for myself. This fear-based foot shooting is worse than the weekend-long procrasturbation that keeps us from our to-do list. Personally, I fear that anything I put forth energetically simply won't be good enough--just won't do. And hey, I've got plenty of contradicting evidence, too!
But I can only ignore myself for so long before something breaks. Before something gives way and melts. We are filled to the brim with stardust, and no matter how many coats we throw around our bodies, its not long before we belch up a furious comet or begin to leak nebulas from our navels. 'Be' is good, 'Be Aware' is better, 'Be Bold' is great and 'Be Rad' is what life wants you to do anyway. We're not programmed to fail, which is why we never truly do.
Love Love Love and Love,
Dakotah
Also I got you this website, it seems like the type of thing you'd be into. I mean sure, go ahead and keep the receipt if you want.
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