The Lives of Others

I've come to terms with the fact that I might just wind up alone in the end.

Let me elaborate so that sounds less dramatic. I'm nearing 30 now and it seems like most ladies my age are turning their eyes toward settling down and starting families and whatnot. I have to say, that's really never had any appeal to me. Sure, I want to find a partner in crime that I'll want to spend the rest of my life with...but that isn't, and hasn't ever been, my priority. I can't say whether my own growing up has had an influence on that, though I'm certain it does. I wish I could just chalk it up to being 'afraid of commitment', but that's not it either. It just isn't that simple. I could shrug and call it 'being an artist' if I wanted to, but it's more than that as well. That's not even what stability looks like to me. Stability is more than a station wagon and a gaggle of kids.


I've never imagined myself as a family man. I have a family. I have several! All of whom I love from the bottom of my heart. More importantly, I've never wanted that for myself. It isn't a lynchpin or a goal for me. That isn't success for me. That isn't a lifestyle I want. I get the appeal, of course. I helped raise two incredible, strong, brilliant, creative little sisters. I've had the privilege of watching them become people. I've seen them grow and gotten to say "Look how BIG you are!" in complete earnest. I've seen the joy they bring to my own parents, but not once have I thought to myself, "Yes. THAT'S what I want. THAT'S for me."

And no, I'm not throwing in the towel for All Relationships Forever...but I also understand that what I need out of life isn't what a lot of others want. I know this attitude shrinks my pool. I know that a lot of people simply can't understand why I wouldn't desire something that seems entirely natural for a good portion of the world.

I've also never aligned myself with 'a good portion of the world'.

I admire aging bachelors and bachelorettes. The lives they lead are the lives I want. I've known that all my life and have never deviated from it. Sure, I've been open to the idea that one day things might change...but they haven't. Am I missing out on 'the human experience'? Maybe. I'd say "yes" if I truly felt I was missing anything.

Different strokes, I suppose. I have yet to be convinced that any other life would be BETTER than what I've always desired.

So as I said. I could very well end up alone. I'm only starting to feel the full weight of that...and to be honest...it's a weight I think I can bear.

Sad? I don't know yet. I'm thinking 'no'.

Anyhoo...toodles, loves!

Dak

In Which I Don't Exactly Know What I'm Saying

Ouch.

It's been a tough few weeks, balanced out with amazing bouts of

teaching, theater, and art in general. All the while, the hair on the back of my neck is on end. GUH. I want to feel completely free to pursue all these wacky ideas I've got, and the only way to do that is to loosen my grip on some things. That's vague. If you want to know what's got my goat, we can chat. That said, it sounds like the universe is constantly shouting "SEE? NOT HOW YOU THOUGHT THINGS WOULD GO, HUH?" And that's good, of course! Just scary as all hell. Frankly, I thought my life would run according to a set of rules I'd established long ago. Turns out...no. I don't know what I thought I did. I know less and less the older I get.

This was my Sunday. What did YOU do?

For years, all I wanted to be was 'nice'. 'Nice' is easy to get along with and easy to forget. You can't set your crosshairs on 'nice', and for someone who perceived danger around every corner, that worked really well for me.  As a result, I began retreating from myself as I attempted to be everything to everyone. As I get older, I'm starting to understand the impossibility and danger of that. I didn't look out for me. I started to forget the things I wanted, the things I desired and burned for. My biggest WANT was to be left alone. It was to no longer feel responsible for the stuff I decided WAS my responsibility. I just wanted to hide in a corner with my coffee and a book that had nothing to do with theater. It wasn't the hard work I was afraid of...it was the letting EVERYONE down.

All this time, I'd waited for someone to come around and tell me, "Okay, it's time to pay attention to yourSELF now." That's never going to happen.

I don't know, you guys. I honestly don't know what to do. I'm getting tired of my own anxieties. I'm getting angry at my patterns. I'm seriously not sure what to do.

And I expected this post to be so driven and stuff...

Loves,
D

Pre-Update!

Actual life update forthcoming, of course...but for now just this:

I'm officially making a commitment to stay single for a good long while. Or rather, I'm committing to dating myself.

(...and not just because I can get lucky every night.)

More later, dahhlings-

On This Newfangled Year

Happy 2013!

Goodbye 2012!

I can't say I made any resolutions per se...especially considering I feel like I'm on an ongoing quest to resolve myself to things. Be healthier! Cook more! Manage my finances! Compliment more people on their rockin' badonks! That said though, I like to take some time every year to make some kind of assessment of where I stand and where I WANT to stand. I like those mirror moments. The times when you can look at your life, your choices, with honesty and authenticity. Without judgment.

Judge less!

Watching Jiro Dreams of Sushi the other night, I realized where I think my energies are headed. MINOR SPOILER ALERT: Jiro's father left at a very young age, and he essentially struck out on his own without looking back. It was just him out there, as a child, with nothing but his work ethic to keep his head above water.

Phenomenal.

And scary.

Unlike Jiro, that didn't result in my intense dedication to my own life on my own terms. It resulted in waiting for permission to live.

I spent many many many years of my life waiting for something. Waiting for a command like a dog with a treat on his nose. I've had the luxuries of time and safety. Even when I've felt like it was just me alone in the big bad world, there has ALWAYS been someone there to have my back. For that, I'm eternally grateful. Even so, I've used it as a crutch. I dedicated my life to being SOMETHING for SOMEONE, or at other times, EVERYTHING for EVERYONE. I stood on the side of the road holding a sign that read "Wherever YOU'RE going" and waited to be picked up and dumped off on another, colder, lonelier stretch of the highway. I hitched so far from myself that when I turned back, there was nothing but dust and tumbleweeds against a bleak sky. I'd curse and stamp my foot, then doggedly pick up my sign and wait. And wait.

I balanced this biscuit on my nose everywhere I went, and when people would say "Okay boy, GET IT!" I'd look bewildered and walk away. Then I'd feel guilty about it.

I was jealous of the people that seemed to 'get it'. The self-assured people that could act without regard to the sabotaging voices in their heads screaming "WHAT IF THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT THING?" I started to think there was something wrong with me. I'd spent months at a time doing judgmental, symptomatic checklists of my faults without any result. I'd fall to my knees and scream "WHYYYY?" as if I'd just realized that it was EARTH. ALL. ALONG. I'd bury my eyes in the past and wonder why it wasn't like this before. What happened? WHERE DID I GO WRONG? All the while never noticing that I could just eat the damn treat myself and be done with it. Done with the waiting. Done with the worry and the paralyzing fear that one simple mistake or imperfection would make my life null and void.

Yet something still got in my way. I felt like a massive, catastrophic, misstep would render me helpless to do anything but leap from a rooftop like the worst superman impersonator ever. When I'd felt my worst, there was always someone else there to lift up my bootstraps for me.

Or rather, as I'm beginning to see more and more clearly, there was always someone there who believed in me enough to never let me throw in the towel. And I didn't. I told myself that it's never been ME that's had my back. I told myself that all I did, I did with a sense of obligation and a fear of disappointing someone more important than I am. I created this mythology that I was a broken person, barely hanging on through the grace of those who cared about me. I told myself that my energies were ever limited and my ultimate goal was to be left alone--so I didn't have to disappoint anyone ever again. I didn't want enemies. I didn't want to let anyone in either. I didn't want to shine too bright, because that's when you fell the furthest.

I didn't want my dad to leave again.

I didn't want to feel what I felt as a child, so I carried myself as if I were. I froze my fears and kept them in a box marked "Monsters".

But monsters aren't real.

And so, here I am. A little banged-up, but far better for those scrapes. Infinitely more confident, more creative, and more excited about everything life has to offer. I accept my role in the world and carve it out with my bare hands. It's the only role that you can ever truly fall back on, and I am beyond grateful for everyone that had a hand in getting me to where I am, whether they know it or not. Authenticity has no judgment.

So on that note, let's take hands and careen into this New Year with boldness, humor, and curiosity. Let's rip off our clothes and sing through the streets. If people are staring, goddammit, let em stare! Let em' think what they think! In the eloquent words of one Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Haters gonna' hate." If somebody has a problem with me, well then, they're not obligated to live my life.

Happy Goddamn New Year, lovelies!

Hearts n' Farts,

Dakotah

On Legacy (To a Degree)

I took a few hours this morning to read though my Grandma's collected works of poetry. There was nobody else in the house save for our cat and the dog we're babysitting until tomorrow, so I just sat in the sun room with a pot of tea and dove into her incredible words.

Throughout this emotional handful of hours I kept finding myself looking up from her book, breathing back stray tears, and smiling. It felt like we were having a conversation. She was discussing topics we'd touched on all too rarely--and her words were just...right. She talked of legacies and lives and not-quite-infinites and completely infinites. She said so much in so little and reminded me, reminded me here and now, where I came from.

All too often I find myself getting smug. Afflicted with the disease of modernity, I smirk in the mirror and pat myself on the back for knowing so much. In the same instant, a chill runs down my spine and I have no idea why.

In reality, it's the fear that I've forgotten everything. That the world just appeared earlier today and I have to hit the ground running. I'm a wolf in sheep's clothing because the heroes in my childhood stories were blood relatives and the monsters were human-shaped and everyone seems to have forgotten about our beautiful, ragged past. I bet Dorothy wakes up in cold sweats sometimes, scrambling for her ruby slippers.

It's easy to get lonely here with no family nearby and friends that have only known the most recent version of me. It's easy to try to forget where I came from and what I came from. But why? Why should I forget what I've fought for?

Today, I am feeling grounded, and humble, and grateful.

Thanks, Grandma. I love you.

Dakotah

I Don't Think I Want It

This Post's Soundtrack

Despite teaching at a childrens' hospital, rehearsing a clown piece for a local cabaret, and working on two plays (a Jabberwocky adaptation and a one person show) I've been phenomenal about telling myself I'm not actually up to anything. This has been another running theme for me in the continuing adventures of "Trying to navigate my late twenties." I'm certain it's another hamstringing mythology I keep intact for the sake of survival. So let's examine it, shall we? Sure, yeah. Time to get forthcoming.

Of course I'm marginally proud of my successes, that's without question. Even so, I typically chalk those successes up to being at the right place at the right time. The world, the universe, energy, etc--now THAT'S what went right. Nothing I did. When I turn my eyes inward, I don't see a heap of things to be proud of. More often than not, I focus on all the judgments and the 'wrongs'. I see a series of missteps with a handful of flukes thrown in for good measure. Why, though? Why do I continue to keep this up? Why do others do this? What the EFF, mang?

I'm lonely in a crowd. Considering that my mom was a single working mother who HAD to spend hours upon hours at work in order to support two children, my brother and I typically didn't see her until the evenings. On weekdays this meant coming home from school and playing outside with a buddy or parking in front of the Nintendo for a few hours until our Mom came home. I'd begun to develop this idea that I was more or less a Free Agent. I could do what I wanted, a freedom I was not used to at the time (I was seven or so,) but this also meant I was on my own if there was a crisis of some kind. For example, as children my brother and I spent a TON of time in the break room at Bookshop Santa Cruz, as we would go to work with our Mom on weekends. One day, we were in the stock room attempting to copy the SWEET MARTIAL ARTS MOVES from a favorite game. So mid spin-kick, I stumbled over my feet and fell into a pile of halogen lights with a raucous crash. I was horrified. I had no idea what to do. I was sitting there crying in a pile of broken glass and powder. After a few terrified moments, my mother and some other staffers poured into the stock room to see what had happened. I was fine, but wildly embarrassed and fairly scared I'd be...like...prosecuted for breaking a ton of lights. To my surprise, everyone was just making sure I was okay. They didn't really care about the lights. I couldn't understand that. I thought this was MY problem, and I'D have to fix it. As a matter of fact, I still find it hard to believe that people have my back or honestly care about my wellbeing.

This sense of being alone--or better yet--the sense that I'm not even really there has stuck around like an unfortunate growth for years upon years. As I got older, I unconsciously tempered it into a sense of being 'different'. I knew I'd had a separate experience of life than others, but instead of allowing that to bring me closer to people, ALL of which have had different life experiences, I used it as something to hide behind. I didn't allow people in because it let me keep the 'upper hand' of being strange. I never knew that I was actually the one losing out. In reality, I didn't trust other people to understand where I was coming from, or what I felt, or...really...the first thing about me. I never considered myself a worthwhile player in my life, or anyone else's. It really didn't MATTER what the Free Agent did. I figured I'd slip through the cracks and not be counted in the end anyway, so what was the use? Really? Things just HAPPEN.

They just happen.

Wait-

No, that's not right.

I thought the state of the world was 'powerlessness in the face of overwhelming chaos' and I was a genius for being the only one who knew. For being on the inside. Only much later did I realize how untrue that was--but part of the damage had been done. And it's still there. "If the world is unpredictable chaos, then I'm going to hang back and rely on things I can DO. Places where I can still express some remote agency. I'll gather together a handful of comforts and be satisfied with them until someone discovers my hiding spot."

UGH. Just...ew.

I don't know how many others have felt this way, but it's really not fun. You end up disliking alot of people and rolling your eyes at the world. You cross your arms and stamp your feet, whining about how the NORMIES don't realize how messed up the world REALLY is. You complain about how nobody seems to truly grip their insignificance, and your prize is the most brittle sense of invincibility one can manage. Yes, hiding was a deep survival instinct for me. It was necessary. With the kidnapping, my upbringing had a brand of danger that some other folks haven't experienced. It's unfortunate that it took place at such a formative time for me...but like other folks my age, I'm now in a place where I can look at the why aspect of who I am. And hopefully while I'm at it, I can do some good.

So, to anyone who has felt the way I do--I encourage you to give the world another chance. If you think you KNOW something, dig deeper. Think harder. Get up. See who you are NOW, because that changes every single instant. Experience beats assumption EVERY TIME. Why not try some experiments? I guarantee you, your limits have only expanded. You're a wealth of life, don't wait for permission to express that. Allow yourself to accept your own good. Obsessing over your failures will make you repeat them. Being authentic will make you fly. Accept the well of power that you have.

Why?

Because it's fucking unlimited.

Much love--and I've got your back,

Dak

OH SNAP, WE GOT SOME BULLET POINTS?

•  Just...just do yourself a favor and read this. I love discussions that folks aren't normally willing to have. Especially conversations about my favorite subject.
• DmC. The new Devil May Cry game? Okay, so it's totally polarizing fans. I have to write about this sometime.
•  WALKING DEAD WALKING DEAD WALKING DEEEAAARRRGGGGHHHHH 

 

Whoops...Dropped the Beat.

I don't consider myself musically inclined. I play around on the guitar a bit, though I'm pretty spotty. I can bang out some chords and follow rhythm, but that's the extent of my playing. Even so, it hasn't stopped me from messing around in the music realm--or doofing around with Acoustica Mixcraft. That said, I present to you some music I made!

If it all sounds pretty videogamey, it's because I specifically made these tracks to use with the games I make ever so often. So BOOM. HERE WE GO, BRO.  (Also, if for some reason you're really into any of these tracks, feel free to download em'. I'm pretty sure I made that an option.)

In case you're wondering, the official title to that one is 'Crappy Punk Song'. I tried to mimic anime intros as best as possible to make a 'General Upbeat Intro Theme'.

That's theme music I made for a character I came up with. It ends abruptly since it'll be playing in a loop once I import it into my game-makin' software.

So this track will serve as general background music for the more hallowed stages of the game.

Okay, so this is the battle music for said game. I thought it'd be fun to make it kinda' surf rock-ish. Most games aren't going to sound like this, so I figured it be interesting to make it a kind of centerpiece (you tend to hear battle music once every goddamn 2 seconds). Also, it's my current phone ringtone. This one also cuts off in the interest of looping the fight music.

And finally, here's the theme music for yet another character. Incidentally, his design is something I've been doodling since I was a teen. Oddly enough, now that I've got a theme song for him, I can really see who the character is.

Hey, so there you have it! I'm really diggin' this music program, but the downside may be pretty evident. Since it doesn't actually require much in the way of musicianship, the songs start to sound samey after a while. Couple that with a limited (yet enormous) number of instrumental loops, and you'll eventually hit a tipping point. The next logical step would be to...well...to get better at making music or dedicate myself to the piano for a while.

That's all for now! Ta-tas!

Love,

Dak

OH WAIT NO, P.S. BULLET POINTS

•  Went to a morning Suzuki practice at an Aikido dojo today. HOLY CRAP IT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN MISSING AND IT WAS FREE AND INCREDIBLE AND OH GOD NO MORE STOMPING PLEASE.
• I'm trying to decide whether my November project is going to be a one person show, a full-length play, a series of short plays, a novel, a game, or a graphic novel of some kind. Or...y'know...procrastination.
• I've been teaching at the pediatrics center at a local hospital with some colleagues recently and I pretty much love every moment of it. Well...I guess we've only had one class thus far...but STILL! Awesome.