Coming to a Head (don't be gross)

I'm wrapping up some of the toughest months of my life within the next few weeks--what with the touring shows starting again (I'm playing Romeo in...whatever that play is called..) Leading up to now--or as it's felt--surviving up to now has been a ridiculous journey of ups and downs. I've been in debt to just about every person and institution I know, I've slogged through many a production where the natural afterglow waned in nearly an instant, I've paralyzed myself with patterns (maybe I'll play another hour of videogames, the dishes can wait), and throughout all of it--I've tried like hell to grab hold of some kind of ledge and pull myself up. For all my writings, all my hours upon hours in coffee shops when I can scrape enough change together to buy myself some peace and a dim corner, I've taken a handful of steps forward--and a buttload of steps back.

Actually, let me go back and correct the first sentence of this whole thing. Financially, I'll be fairly stable again come the next few weeks. The psychological and emotional toll of the past little while, however, has been pretty severe. I'm exhausted. I'm essentially out of love with myself. I'm sluggish. I'm sensitive. My faith and trust is all but dust. My fear is at an all-time high. I'm running out of ways to cope. Self-hatred just becomes a spiral. Positivity for me is a fragile glass pedestal that shatters in the stiff wind of strife. Ugh. Even that description makes my skin crawl. More self-resentment. In addition, I've been afraid to reach out. I don't like anyone seeing me this way. It makes me feel as though I'm an adolescent again--a vortex of thoughts and emotions, deeply hurt and passing it off as tired.

Now I'm too tired to pretend I'm just tired.

What the eff is at the center of all of this? Where did this come from? Why, after so much digging and soul-searching--after notebooks and journals full of scribbles of varying intensity--do I seem to come right back to zero? I'll give you a hint--the word starts with 'E'. More after this interlude THAT YOU SHOULD WATCH, THIS WOMAN IS INCREDIBLE.




Whew. MAN she rocks hard.

Okay, so we're back. Didja' guess the 'E' word?

Expectations.

We are, each of us, incredibly special human beings (no disrespect to the feline blogger community) and some people take that as intrinsic knowledge. I come from a family of wildly creative, brave, brilliant individuals who saw the same spark residing in me. When they told me, however, I didn't take that to mean I could do anything I put my mind to. I didn't take my specialness to mean I would become some kind of famous so-and-so. I took it to mean I had a responsibility to BE those things. I had no choice but to come into my own and step into my place among them. I was burdened with the foreknowledge that nothing that I could accomplish until I was moving mountains was good enough because I had yet to move a single mountain. Every accomplishment that lead to whatever the future holds was naturally a matter of course--so it didn't matter. Missteps weren't simply stepping stones along a never-ending-while-I'm-alive-and-kicking journey, they were grand failures to live up to the world's expectation of me. I felt smothered by the weight of an infinite number of fractured future Dakotahs, shaking their heads and winking out of existence as I failed another math test, or made a goofy acting choice, or moved to Idaho, or had to call my landlord for a rent extension, or had a disastrously failed relationship, or let anybody down in any fashion. This isn't new, either. I used to draw exclusively in ink, and would throw away entire sheets of paper if I botched a miniscule line somewhere (sorry environment.) In second grade I drew a watercolor drawing of a knight in armor, then scribbled over the entire page because even at that age, I wasn't impressing myself enough. Even now I often hesitate to think of my own future because it doesn't feel like its in my hands. No, my life feels forfeit. My future is being played by something more powerful than me, and I'm running out of extra lives.

The scariest part of it all is the question I almost never dare ask myself. If I give up the expectations, what do I have left? Is the only way I motivate myself based on this ravenous clinging to the ideal that I have to be SOMETHING special? ...That if I'm not in History books somehow, I've wasted my entire life? If my aim isn't on the moon, will I even leave my hammock?

Honestly, I think a Disney princess says it best.

So sue me, there's no song called "Fuck It" in the Disney canon. 

Here's the deal--trying to chase down this mysterious goal that I don't even know the shape of is impossible. It really is. All it actually provides is a way for me to hate myself for the rest of my life. All it provided was a way for me to feel safe when I felt most alone or terrified. I could cling to this notion like a security blanket and KNOW that nothing could happen to me because somewhere in the future there's supposed to be a book written about something I did one time I guess. I could insta-jump to the assumption that I was a significant thing on this planet instead of letting go of the fear that I might not be. And...sheesh...come on. I might not be? WE ALREADY ALL ARE.

It's time to Disney Princess the shit out of these expectations. The only mission we've got in life is to live HERE and NOW as hugely and honestly as we can. Whatever the hell that means for whoever the hell you are. Like your likes! Live your life! Don't worry about history, it'll take care of itself.

Whew. Goddamn. Thanks for sticking around. You're awesome and I would high-five and hug you so hard.

Love,
Dak (the cold never bothered me anyway)

Coming Soon...

Holy eff, I have a blog...

Updates to come! Sit tight and stay tuned...

Risk-Averse

First off, this is just good advice.

Secondly, this song has been an invaluable Super Hero theme for me for awhile.

So, guys, the concept of being risk-averse has suddenly become pretty central to me. I'm beginning to realize that the main difference between the times I've been the most emotionally charged, creative, and excited about life have been the times I've taken the most risks. I don't mean jumping into danger for the sake of danger, or as I see too frequently with my generation and those younger, spitting in the face of danger for a false sense of invincibility. I mean putting forth one hundred percent and exposing every aspect of my strange, beautiful humanity. The video at the top really put me in an excellent mood when I watched it this morning. It was an incredible reminder of all the advice I got from my professors in college, and frankly, all the advice I choose to stick to now. Your humanity is enough. Your worth is implicit. Nobody expects you to be perfect because that's not real. It takes a hell of a lot of courage to admit to our shared vulnerability.

These two months have felt like a mire. I've been constantly comparing myself to others and deciding I'm coming up short. Other folks must have way more drive than I do. Other people have it RIGHT. Other folks haven't made the mistakes I have. Other people blah blah blah... I would begin with the assumption that I've done things the wrong way and find proof to justify myself continuing to believe that. I've taken ever misstep as another reason to hide, to shut down, to back away from the people around me lest they see me for the chaos on two legs that I assume I am when I'm judging myself. I cut away all possible risks and buried my interactions with people behind a flippant mask. Yeah, I held my own heart in my hand--and were it a baby bird, I would've snapped its little bones. Somehow I felt like my brand of humanity was unacceptable.

But...why? Where does this assumption come from? I've always felt like a Hot Wheels car that was plunked down on a slot car track--no matter how hard I try, I just can't drive along the same figure eight pattern that most of the other cars are driving. In reality there is no track. Everyone is a Hot Wheels car. No two paths are the same, and the majority of people aren't all flocking to one particular type of lifestyle that they want. It just feels far less apparent because I've been licking my wounds so long.

I'm up for some risk. I'm up to take this human out for a spin and see what happens. I'm up for letting go of my assumptions about other people, because I haven't MET everyone else on earth. I'm up for cutting other folks a little slack instead of assuming they all have a leg up on me. That's fair to nobody. I'm still trying. Still fighting. Still getting used to trusting the legitimacy of my own life.

Be well, y'all.

Love,
Dak

"The Open Book" or "What's Up With Deeks?"

Okay, so full disclosure...

I've been oscillating between depression, anxiety, fear, and very infrequent high notes of success and happiness. It's really not easy for me. As a matter of fact, every single day is becoming more and more of a struggle. Every moment, in fact. One of my major struggles is letting people in and admitting when things aren't okay. When I'M not okay. I haven't been okay in a long time. In the shadow of the moment-to-moment survival is the fear that things will simply become more chaotic and get more difficult until I really run out of choices as far as how I can live my life. It's starting to happen already, in fact. More often than not I feel like a failure that's simply mitigating the damage as I ride this perpetual tailspin. On top of it all, I try really hard to maintain a positive attitude and cling to some modicum of faith that everything will turn out alright in the end.

I've been through the ringer so many times that there's nothing left except who I really am. I can't fake anything anymore, and I wanted to share that. I've survived on a wish and a prayer and a massive support system and because I have to. Through it all, it feels like there isn't isn't much left of me...but the reality is there isn't much left of the person I thought I was or pretended to be. All that's left is what I am now. Am I proud of that person? I'll probably get there. At this point I feel like a statistic, not a person.

The biggest thing I have to mention is this. I have a daughter. She's a few months old and lives with her mother. I'm in the process of setting up child support to help them along--but in the meantime, I've been flat broke and have been accruing debt for months. Therefore I've been scouring auditions and job listings while being bolstered by waffling, untrustworthy unemployment insurance benefits.

If you want the whole story, you can talk to me individually. The long and short of it is, I understand how my career works. More often than not, there are very lean months. Times where I barely make enough to support myself, and I was certain that it would be years before I would ever even slightly consider bringing a child into my whirlwind of a life. Yet the decision was made for me, it isn't what I wanted, but here we are--and I have to make it work the only way I know how.

I hope with this--with transparency and nakedness--there can be a light in the distance. I can't necessarily see it, but I can feel its presence and I'm gradually moving toward a completely unfamiliar stage of my life. I know that stage is going to be infinitely more authentic and free than it feels at this moment. Right now, it's uphill.

You guys be well. I'll do my best to do the same.

Love,
Dakotah

(On) My Own

The longer I spend doing theater and various projects in this city, the more I'm reminded of a rather deep part of my persona.

I like doing things on my own. On my own terms.

Now this isn't a round denouncement of what's going on in this city at all, it's all great. It's just not all something I'd jump for joy to be involved with. I've always really known what I wanted, but I haven't always FOLLOWED it. It made for dishonesty when I was too scared to say 'no' to people. Then the notion of "doing anything for others" > "doing anything for myself" began to creep into my psyche and evolve there. For a long time, I thought the secret to success was being really easy to get along with, even at the risk of what was right or true for me. Not only would I lend other people or situations my time, but I'd lend them a part of myself. I would give and give until there was nothing left when I looked in the mirror. I'd not only GIVEN but TAKEN ON so many other thought processes, philosophies, ideas, and notions that when I asked myself what I wanted and who I was, I was met with cavernous silence.

I took on pieces of others in order to hide my own shame about who I was. I spent my much of my life in an ill-fitting skin. I felt like Edgar, shambling around the earth, looking for his brethren (and sugar water.) Only recently have I realized just how MUCH I ally with anyone, ANYONE, just to fit in and hide my discomfort. Hell, it's a skill that helped me survive. After living in so many different places; crash pads, friends and families' homes, motels, and dormitories, all with different sets of rules that I needed to learn on the fly. Not only that, if I didn't learn the rules of each place, it meant certain doom as far as five year old Deeks could tell. Being nice to people--agreeing with them and getting on their team isn't an inherent part of my nature, it's a tactic I picked up so I wouldn't be living on the streets. In my mind, there was no reason not to turn me out in the cold and reject me, so I had to make myself necessary.

And let me tell you, it has BACKFIRED.

Custom-making myself in order to stay out of trouble is a skill I've mastered...and it's one I really don't need anymore. Hell, I don't even WANT it. I'll take hurting someone's feelings for the sake of my OWN honesty over repressing every fiber in my being in order to live a little easier in the world I do. If I don't keep the pattern in check, I sink into a depression. I get to a point in which my gut feelings and true thoughts are so quiet that I struggle to decide what it is I need for myself. I then tell myself the story that I'm utterly trapped where I am and even ESCAPE is out of the question because OTHER PEOPLE wouldn't like that.

So there's the problem. What's the solution?

For me or anyone else whose feelings of shame or unworthiness keeps them from acting in their own best interests and being on their own team:

1. First of all, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.
I know it's on every one of these listy-poos, but it's hard to see a long distance with familiar walls around you. The act of simply closing the front door behind you and finding a nice little base camp of your own somewhere in the world will make all the difference. Why? Because YOU chose it. You decided to grab the shade under this particularly lovely tree, or you decided to grab a coffee and sit in a corner (where I am currently), or you decided to have a beer at your favorite hole-in-the-wall. Regardless, you did it. You chose it.

2. Write.
Yup, this is a fairly obvious one too, but it REALLLY helps. Your thoughts will bounce around in your own head forever unless you give them something to bounce off of. Even if that thing is a crumpled up napkin, your thoughts are manifesting themselves. It's a hell of a lot easier to deal with your feelings when they're made tangible. Try drawing a self-portrait in your mind. Can you maintain every stroke of the pencil? Can you remember every bit of shading? I can't. I need to really DO it.

3. Tell the world to go fuck itself.
Whoops. Language. But seriously, this is the most difficult thing of all for some of us. It certainly is for me. And while it IS a "go fuck yourself, world." it isn't meant with any malicious intent whatsoever. Rather, it's a forceful way to go 'back to zero' so to speak. Shut out all your expectations and the expectations you THINK the world has of you and get back to what it is you truly want and desire. Sometimes its necessary to slam the door for the sake of the resulting silence.

4. Take a knee.
Take some time to sit there and just BE. Learn to be okay with yourself. Learn that you don't have to do ANYTHING to have intrinsic value. You have it. You're here, on earth. You're a contributor whether you like it or not. You don't have to overcompensate and show OTHERS how great you are. Just BE. The results will be the same, and you'll be happier for it.

5. Fight for YOU.
When you step into the arena and face down the lion, the spectators won't be there to help you. Fight for yourself. Don't settle. You know what to do. Your abilities are exactly what you need them to be. Now. At this moment. And if they aren't, they'll inevitably grow out of necessity. You can only get better at being you.

6. Practice Empathy.
Do you give other people more credit than you ever give yourself, too? That's a mode of thinking built to keep yourself BENEATH the rest of the world. It places you in a victim state of mind, where you'll wait for your TURN to be important. Why wait? How are you ever going to walk into the building if you hold the door open for the entire world? Practice having some empathy for YOURSELF. Let yourself off the hook. I promise you, your capacity for ill is probably a lot less than you think. You may have been taught to believe otherwise, but those are someone ELSE's lessons. Not yours. Be the ring coach in your own corner. Wash out your mouth, replace your guard, massage your shoulders, and give yourself a shove. And once you're going round for round for the heavyweight title, cheer yourself on!

7. Let your babies go.
I have a tendency to baby the world around me. I don't reveal my sharp edges or my solid honesty that often because I taught myself that other people can't handle it. I thought I had to be quiet and be 'part of the team'. And the team doesn't speak ill of other teammates. I thought I'd be a jerk if I ever really let loose. NOT. GODDAMN. TRUE. Let em have it! Only your ACTUAL CHILDREN are your babies. You don't have to get trampled and pretend you like it. Every day you live is a day you're teaching the rest of the world how to deal with you. Allow yourself the vulnerability of living in your honesty and tossing the consequences. I don't mean just...y'know...do whatever you want. Simply that you don't have to have the kid gloves on all the time. I love that I have near endless patience, but patience and honesty aren't mutually exclusive. You wouldn't want others to treat you like you couldn't handle the truth, so why return the favor?

HOO BOY. Obviously the solution involves more than these seven things, but these are concept that I must CONSTANTLY remind myself--or else I slip into a quiet, awful pattern and start hating the person I am. So take what's helpful and toss the rest.

And live. On YOUR terms.

Love ya,
Dak

The Lives of Others

I've come to terms with the fact that I might just wind up alone in the end.

Let me elaborate so that sounds less dramatic. I'm nearing 30 now and it seems like most ladies my age are turning their eyes toward settling down and starting families and whatnot. I have to say, that's really never had any appeal to me. Sure, I want to find a partner in crime that I'll want to spend the rest of my life with...but that isn't, and hasn't ever been, my priority. I can't say whether my own growing up has had an influence on that, though I'm certain it does. I wish I could just chalk it up to being 'afraid of commitment', but that's not it either. It just isn't that simple. I could shrug and call it 'being an artist' if I wanted to, but it's more than that as well. That's not even what stability looks like to me. Stability is more than a station wagon and a gaggle of kids.


I've never imagined myself as a family man. I have a family. I have several! All of whom I love from the bottom of my heart. More importantly, I've never wanted that for myself. It isn't a lynchpin or a goal for me. That isn't success for me. That isn't a lifestyle I want. I get the appeal, of course. I helped raise two incredible, strong, brilliant, creative little sisters. I've had the privilege of watching them become people. I've seen them grow and gotten to say "Look how BIG you are!" in complete earnest. I've seen the joy they bring to my own parents, but not once have I thought to myself, "Yes. THAT'S what I want. THAT'S for me."

And no, I'm not throwing in the towel for All Relationships Forever...but I also understand that what I need out of life isn't what a lot of others want. I know this attitude shrinks my pool. I know that a lot of people simply can't understand why I wouldn't desire something that seems entirely natural for a good portion of the world.

I've also never aligned myself with 'a good portion of the world'.

I admire aging bachelors and bachelorettes. The lives they lead are the lives I want. I've known that all my life and have never deviated from it. Sure, I've been open to the idea that one day things might change...but they haven't. Am I missing out on 'the human experience'? Maybe. I'd say "yes" if I truly felt I was missing anything.

Different strokes, I suppose. I have yet to be convinced that any other life would be BETTER than what I've always desired.

So as I said. I could very well end up alone. I'm only starting to feel the full weight of that...and to be honest...it's a weight I think I can bear.

Sad? I don't know yet. I'm thinking 'no'.

Anyhoo...toodles, loves!

Dak

In Which I Don't Exactly Know What I'm Saying

Ouch.

It's been a tough few weeks, balanced out with amazing bouts of

teaching, theater, and art in general. All the while, the hair on the back of my neck is on end. GUH. I want to feel completely free to pursue all these wacky ideas I've got, and the only way to do that is to loosen my grip on some things. That's vague. If you want to know what's got my goat, we can chat. That said, it sounds like the universe is constantly shouting "SEE? NOT HOW YOU THOUGHT THINGS WOULD GO, HUH?" And that's good, of course! Just scary as all hell. Frankly, I thought my life would run according to a set of rules I'd established long ago. Turns out...no. I don't know what I thought I did. I know less and less the older I get.

This was my Sunday. What did YOU do?

For years, all I wanted to be was 'nice'. 'Nice' is easy to get along with and easy to forget. You can't set your crosshairs on 'nice', and for someone who perceived danger around every corner, that worked really well for me.  As a result, I began retreating from myself as I attempted to be everything to everyone. As I get older, I'm starting to understand the impossibility and danger of that. I didn't look out for me. I started to forget the things I wanted, the things I desired and burned for. My biggest WANT was to be left alone. It was to no longer feel responsible for the stuff I decided WAS my responsibility. I just wanted to hide in a corner with my coffee and a book that had nothing to do with theater. It wasn't the hard work I was afraid of...it was the letting EVERYONE down.

All this time, I'd waited for someone to come around and tell me, "Okay, it's time to pay attention to yourSELF now." That's never going to happen.

I don't know, you guys. I honestly don't know what to do. I'm getting tired of my own anxieties. I'm getting angry at my patterns. I'm seriously not sure what to do.

And I expected this post to be so driven and stuff...

Loves,
D