Ah jeez, this thing became a creaky rusted bike for a while didn't it?
It's half an hour before I jump into rehearsals for The Winter's Tale. It's my second production of this show (already? weird) and I'm having a blast working with an enormous group of kind, talented folks. Also, my summer has been completely and utterly insane.
Big ol' huge news to follow, but I'll get into that when I have time to tell the entire tale. For now I just wanted to mention that I'm still alive and well...and undergoing an interesting mental shift. As I've mentioned time and again, I have a tendency to live beneath the wants and whims of others. Command me with enough force and I'll just to the chance to please you, no matter what. I'll be trailing behind at a distance, because that's what I thought I deserved. Unworthiness is an insidious beast that gets into your nervous system and cripples you from the inside out. I have several friends who seem to be fighting themselves more than anything else. The ones with a self-imposed structure of some kind are busy and happy, while those of us living piecemeal seem a little skittish yet hopeful. The friends of mine with big, open eyes are daunted by what they see. Those who squint through life seem pretty okay with things. Now this rule isn't hard and fast by any means, of course...it's just a general observation.
After gulping down some amazing words (courtesy of Imagine by Jonah Lehrer and Steal Like an Artist by Austin Kleon) I have a sudden urge to take myself less seriously and really be alright with looking like a moron. I mean I AM. I'm great at it--but it's an easy kind of looking stupid. I like looking dumb on my own terms, just like the hipsters that crown to dance floor to sarcastically emulate the flailing limbs of the crowd who is really into it, man. But that's me. I'm the spaz in the middle of the room, headbanging with short hair and busting out air-guitar solos. The fact of the matter is, you don't need your favorite song to make that okay. In the real world, you don't have to wait for the starting pistol. You can just sprint out of the gate. You're allowed.
Let me rephrase that-
I'M allowed.
To be continued of course.
Love,
Dak
HEY MANG, YOU WANT SOME BULLET POINTS?
The standup comedy scene here in town is on the up-and-up. Saw a show last night and haven't laughed that hard for that long in a WHILE.
Games I'm playing: Breath of Fire 4 (finally caught up to where I was when I last played it a decade or so ago.) Fallout: New Vegas (old, yeah, but one I haven't beaten yet.) Persona 4 (same story here.)
Went camping, got into nature, but didn't get a vacation from my brain, que sera.
Redesigned an old comic of mine. Totally masturbatory side-project, but still SO MUCH FUN.
Less masturbatory side projects include: Jabberwocky (children's play written by some buddies and I), Converting my dungeon apartment into an art space, 3 other plays on the docket (4 Loves, Flyboy, and an as-yet unnamed piece about the apocolypse), actual masturbating, Viewpoints-inspired production of Woyzeck.
My life hasn't been characterized by failure, but boy is it easy for me to go there.
When your base assumption of Who You Are is like mine, very simple aspects of life become incredibly difficult. For example, my tendency was to assume I was a generally crappy person--so as mentioned in previous entries, any success feels like a fluke and any failure seems like it's perfectly in keeping with my character. This mode of thinking forced me to work really hard in order to maintain a sense of treading water. If I did well in school, relationships, etc...it was only a smokescreen to hide my true nature. That was the thought, at least.
But seriously?Seriously? That form of fear-based living has done NOTHING to truly serve me. If anything, it gave me a strong sense of forboding. It made me feel like a spy that managed to sneak into a high-society party. My personality felt like a front to hide the fact that I'm actually here to do ill. I could navigate social circles, sure, but my true intention was to collect intel and quietly poison the guest of honor. 'Cuz that's what I do. I eff stuff up. I felt like a disaster waiting to happen. Sure I wore a tailored suit and spoke in suave circles, but my real comfort lay in confusion and negativity.
When I say 'comfort' I don't necessarily mean the crappy times have been great, but I know how to act during crappy times. Crappy times are awesome! You get to complain to people about how awful and difficult your life is! Nobody respects a pity party, but you'll definitely get an attendance. On top of that, people are proud of you when you get through it, and you get the ego victory of having overcome circumstances that were completely against you.
This was a pattern of mine. A pattern I didn't realize existed because I took it to be the reality. Of course I suck! Look at my high school grades! Look at my failed relationships! Look at how flaky I am! That's got to mean something!
However, we aren't our crap. We aren't our failures. Characterizing ourselves by what we haven't done only leads us to do even less. Doing that is switching the difficulty to easy mode and ducking out of life. When it comes down to it, our lives are infinitely more complex and objective than that. On top of this, we're all allowed to internalize our successes and be happy about them. This is NEW to me. For serious.
Failures are a necessary step toward success, so why shackle yourself with your near-victories? Who looks at a bowl of batter and laments the fact that it isn't a cake? Not anyone I'd like to hang out with, that's for certain.
And now, to conclude--
BULLET POINTS!!
Started rehearsals for Romeo and Juliet. Thus far, I take a serious beat-down, drunkenly check out HOT CAPULET CHICKZZ at the ball, and laugh insanely at Mercutio's antics (the actor playing him, by the way, is AMAZING.)
The Earthbound post got a bigger response than I expected! Awesome! I'd like to do some more in-depth analyses of games. Would you be down with that? Currently topics on the docket: Where Final Fantasy went wrong and what Squeenix can do to save the series, Wild Arms 2's awful translation and how it crippled the narrative--coupled with how a solid localization can make a good game a GREAT game, the Meta-teachings of games (i.e. finding exploits, grinding in RPGs, 'breaking' games, and how the games themselves encourage us to do this), What theater has taught me about creating a good character and how games can take some lessons from one of the oldest artforms in history.
The Extra Special Lady Friend and I are doing fabulous. I spend most of my time with her wondering if someone this awesome actually exists, or if she's just a mental construct I've created. The former is nicer, but the latter makes a better M Night Shyamalan movie.
ZOMG I need to take more pictures. This post feels lacking.
That'll do it for now, folks! You're all awesome! Live happy, and I'll do the same!
(Many of my friends would shake their heads at such a blog topic, namely because they're already huge fans of Earthbound and know exactly why it is they should play it. Those of you who know it, join my nostalgic trip. Those who don't, either enjoy or bear with me.)
Back in 1995, Earthbound was released for the Super Nintendo to a relatively lukewarm response. Personally, I'd been following the game for about a year before it came out and when I got it for Christmas, I was thrilled. I popped the thing in (I was allowed to play for half an hour before bed, it was a school night after all) and here's what I saw:
Bear in mind that up until that point, most of the games I'd played (especially in the Role Playing genre) had been populated by blue-haired anime-inspired heroes with capes and swords and bad dialogue. Your party generally consisted of Heroguy McSwordface, Loveinterest W. Curespells, Bigsilent Heartofgold, and Secretvillain Evilbutt. Earthbound had...buses? And the main character is just some kid? What? Whaaat?
So why should you play Earthbound anyway? Why should you dig up an 18 year old game and dive in when there are so many successful contemporary titles? On top of that, how the hell does Earthbound still find its way onto so many "Best Games of All Time" lists? Well, let's take a gander...
Firstly, from the moment you begin the game, you become instantly immersed in its world. In the initial moments of gameplay, you're tasked with providing names for everything from the main characters to your favorite food. Most games at the time would allow you to name a single main character, or name other allies as they joined you. The designers wanted you to have a familiarity with specific aspects of the game before the first screen even popped up. This way, when you meet new characters, you feel as though you've almost met them before. When your mom offers you some 'favorite food', there's an undeniable sense of home and familiarity. Unless...I guess...your favorite food is 'POOP' or 'HUMAN'. In fact, you're asked to name a 'Coolest Thing' (the default is 'Rockin', but you can write whatever you want) which later becomes one of your strongest spells. It's as if you came up with it yourself OH WAIT YOU DID. Before the game officially even starts, it goes out of its way to make the experience more personal, despite being relatively narrative-driven. This is where Earthbound really shines. The secret is in the little details that you don't even notice while you're playing.
Once the game begins in earnest, you start to see what makes this particular little title a gem. At a time when developers were trying to squeeze as much graphical fidelity out of the 16 bit Super Nintendo (after all, 32 bit platforms like the Sega Saturn were on the rise) Earthbound came around with its endearing cartoon style that resembled a tongue-in-cheek version of the Peanuts gang. On top of that, it takes place in modern day America....well...they call it 'Eagleland' so come on. In fact, the writer and director of the game--Shigesato Itoi--is basically the Japanese David Sedaris, so seeing the country through the lens of a foreign humor columnist is brilliant. While it's contemporaries were pushing forward with aesthetics, granted with spectacular results, Earthbound ropes you in with pure and utter charm. It's cute, funny, and pulls at your heartstrings.
Throughout the adventure, the ally characters are constantly reassuring you that you can do this, while every single enemy--from the first ten minutes of the game on--is telling you that you don't stand a chance. I'll try not to spoil much, but one of the beauties of Earthbound is that you know your enemy from the first time you pick up the controller. Giygas, a highly powerful transdimensional alien from the future, is ALWAYS TRYING TO KILL YOU. The main characters can't go an hour without hearing mention of Giygas's influence and power. This reiteration adds an incredible sense of presence, immediacy, and danger to every single thing you do. It forces you to take a pause and wonder if your impossible goal is even more impossible than you think. After all, you're a group of teenage kids equipped with baseball bats, pop guns, and frying pans. Slowly but surely however, you begin to trust in your own abilities as your characters become stronger and the enemies become more ferocious. This tightrope act continues right up until the last moments of the game. Any task you accomplish feels like one part courage, one part skill, and three parts miraculous luck.
But how does the game PLAY? Well considering that it's a top-down(ish) view role playing game, a lot of it is standard fare. Go here, kill them, find this, etc. The WAY the game accomplishes these things bears mention, though. Games SIMILAR to Earthbound did not seem to put much thought into the bare-bones aspects of the genre. Many companies took for granted the fact that, as gamers, we had come to expect certain things from these kinds of games. You kill an enemy? They drop cash. The main character will fight with a sword, and the second character on your team will be a female love-interest with healing abilities.
Not even close.
The main character is the healer. The second character on your team is the love-interest, yes...but she also has the most powerful offensive magic in the game. This makes the main character feel much more like a caretaker, the responsible leader that's letting the others down if they get hurt in battle. And enemies dropping cash? Nope. They may drop items at the end of a fight, but you have to use in-game telephones to call your father (who never actually appears in game due to his work schedule.) Your father in turn deposits money into your bank account and you make withdrawals from in-game ATMs.
Play the game. This hat will make sense.
Travel from place to place? Most games at the time featured an overworld map screen to make travel simpler and to make the world feel less dauntingly huge. Earthbound makes you take the bus.
Or walk.
Or...well...I won't spoil the rest.
On top of that, each area in the game is connected to the others. You never see a map screen, so the world itself feels enormous. You really feel like you're making the trip yourself...and that trip can be long and arduous, but the sense of accomplishment and wonder when you reach a wholly unfamiliar area is absolutely palpable.
When it comes time to go mano y mano with the enemy creatures (which, by the way are thingslikethis) the battles themselves require precision, strategy, and an understanding of your allies' strengths and weaknesses. In addition, if you look at the battle screens, you'll notice that the characters hit points are on what looks like a rolling ticker...and when they take damage, the ticker begins to quickly wind down. That said, if you manage to finish to battle before the ticker hits zero, your character will live to fight another day. That way, even when dealt a mortal blow, the battle doesn't end. Instead you try to end the fight as fast as you can by pulling out your strongest attacks or healing yourself just in the nick of time. Through the gameplay, Earthbound somehow captures the hectic nature of combat.
If you aren't sold on it by now, it might not be your thing. If you're considering getting a hold of it, DO IT. I highly recommend it for your gaming education.
Earthbound Bullet Points!
Healing potions? Not in THIS game. You heal yourself by eating hamburgers and pizza.
4th wall? What 4th wall? Earthbound is cavalier and playful with the fact that you're holding a controller in your hand.
Endearing character round-up: a gum-chewing monkey that helps you tame a loch-ness monster, your loving sister who gets a part-time job storing and retrieving items you have no room for, a race of foot-high creatures who say 'BOING!' all the time, a man who designs dungeons for a living, a gang leader with a switchblade and a heart of gold, a brave bumble bee ally who serves as your first mentor and can kick the living crap out of aliens, a jazz quintet who--despite their best efforts--is always under the thumb of greedy promoters, a poor scruffy smelly inventor who turns out to be an incredible resource, and so on and so on.
The final boss of the game is arguably one of the most terrifying opponents in the history of gaming. I won't say exactly why...but trust me on this. Giygas is frequently listed as the scariest boss ever created.
That's all for now. Thanks for taking the time to join my nostalgia trip. Seriously give this game a go. You won't be disappointed.
I'll skip the paragraph of rampant excessive apologies and get right into an update. Otherwise we'd be here all day. So, the touring show is done! Naturally its always strange putting something like that to rest. With the infinitely transient nature of acting, all we have to show for a successful production is a bunch of memories and experiences. It's strange. A successful architect can point to a structure, and beautiful building with a gorgeously landscaped park and say "Yes, that is MINE. I have done THAT." With acting it's more like "Hey remember that one day when you made that ONE choice? Yeah...that was cool." and you all sit around for a while quietly sipping a drink and reminiscing. I love the way good theater teaches you about the value of experiences over materials. The sweet military coat you scrounged up at a second hand store vs the sweet military coat you bought at a high-fashion store somewhere. Both are cool. One has a bit of a story.
I have an extra special lady friend now, too. An ESLF if you will. She's a tattooed goofball/perfumer/massage therapist/yoga instructor/witch with a penchant for rocking incredible hair and an appreciation for the finerthings inlife. I'll put up some pictures once she signs the photo release consent form. You know how paperwork can get backed up.
Also if you're not a supergeek, you may have missed this incredible quote from one Jerry Holkins, co-creator of Penny Arcade.
"Every
creative act is open war against The Way It Is. What you are saying
when you make something is that the universe is not sufficient, and what
it really needs is more you. And it does, actually; it does. Go look
outside. You can’t tell me that we are done making the world. "
I can't tell you how much I need this chiseled into my flesh. I've gone a long time assuming that the world itself in fact doesn't need me clowning around in it. It doesn't need my silly esoteric ideas and strange interpretations of human nature an art. It doesn't need me smiling my way down the street because I happen to be tickled pink (purple..?) about something or other. It doesn't need city-wide games of capture the flag or post-apocalyptic productions of Woyzeck or bare-stage Chekhov shows or variety comedy nights or just a damn good devised outdoor piece. I've shrugged my shoulders and abdicated responsibility for my half-done comics and the untold stories in my head. I've shied away from those chord progressions that just won't leave me alone and those cool mash-up ideas that couldn't POSSIBLY work (Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger + Hash Pipe.)
Quite a good lie I've been getting away with telling myself.
Be good, kids. More on the flip side!
Love loves loved, Dak
P.S. Here's an amazing PSA flyer from Wallace, Idaho.
BOY it's been an interesting few weeks. In the real world, it's been an absolutely amazing time of tours and travel and creativity and friendship. In the ever-present 'Drama of Dakotah' however, it's been an intense session of self-assessment (flagellation) instead. I know I vent here quite a bit, and this isn't exactly that. I'd really just like to write some of this wackiness out so I can see it at a measurable distance.
A few posts ago I talked about how easy it is to make myself smug. I'm great at assuming I understand exactly how this incredible magical world works--so I don't have to participate in it. Well it's that and the fact that I'm always telling myself that my mind is a timebomb. Not only that, I tell myself that I have legitimate reason to think that. Lemme break it down for ya'!
Not sure how often I've mentioned it here, but mental illness and cancer run absolutely rampant in my family. That scares the hell out of me. As a matter of fact, it often scares me so much that I'll spend huge amounts of time worrying if I'm losing my grip. I don't know what that feels like, so how would I know? I interpret every mental bump-in-the-road as the last straw before I completely lose it. No, it's not real. Of course it's not real. Am I strange? Sure, yeah! Eccentric even (because it sounds cooler.) Is it wrong? Hell no!
I often feel so wary of being vulnerable, so afraid of my imagined personal catastrophe that I shut down completely. I get lazy. I get emotionless. I get judgmental. I get defeatist.
It's tough for me to 'be okay'. It's something I have to work pretty hard on. For so long, my mantra has been "It's not about you". I stopped trusting my own feelings. My own desires, goals, and needs.
And that's gotten me exactly nowhere. I've been treating myself like the geeky kid from high school that I'm too ashamed to admit I hang out with. In reality, he's my best friend.
Avoid obvious penis joke inherent in title...avoid obvious penis joke inherent in title--
No no, this is simply about art and life.
Firstly, I have an odd reaction to people pointing out that I'm not easily bothered because I'm just not the type to get affronted/insulted. Half of it feels complimentary, sure. It's nice to be seen as 'that person'. At the same time it's somewhat deflating. Part of me, ironically, is insulted by the notion that it's just my nature to let stuff slide. As a matter of fact, it took an immense amount of work for me to get to this place. What appears as pure naivete is the side-effect of years of plugging away at my own massive anxiety/extreme self-doubt. It's not that I don't care what people think or say about me, it's that it's no longer become a priority of mine.
Life is a lot larger than the notions of strangers. Life is a massive, mysterious joyride that you steer with the rudders of commitment and intuition. Life is bigger than my stubbed toe or a spiffy coat. It's larger than my lack of sleep or my hunger pangs. It doesn't care about heartsickness or busy days. "That thing that one jerk said to me" doesn't even register as a blip on its radar...so why would I let it? Why would I give over my power to minutiae when I have the option not to?
In a way, this thought process has affected my career path as well. In college it was easy to become extremely self-centered, especially due to the nature of my acting program. You didn't sack up, you got cut from the major. One was all but forced to focus entirely on themselves. As I've grown and gotten involved in more productions outside of that arena, however, I've had to dispense with that self-consciousness and commit to a production rather than my own performance. It's not about me, it's about the story being told. Working on something larger than myself allows me to ignore the personal B.S. and focus on the performance as a whole. It's not about an audience thinking I'm good at what I do, it's about the experience....and it's my job to serve the whole.
Heh...serve the whole..
And now...everyone's favorite...
Bullet Points!
If you haven't checked out this blog yet, do it. You will be floored by a storm of clever writing.
I thought I was going to be a super awesome 300-Style Spartan and leap back into my workout regimen. A day later I feel like one of those marginally less badass bubble-bath craving Spartans.
Still working on those posts I owe you, be tee dubs. Earthbound eventually, I swear.
That's all this dude has to say for now. Be good and eat cupcakes!
For most of my life, I've assumed that the things I want only desire a passing familiarity with me. I've used this excuse to avoid going after the life I'd really like to carve out for myself. Oh certainly I've got ambition...but typically it has little to do with improving my life in any profound way. I've mentioned this before, but it's a hell of a lot easier to throw up your hands in disappointment and declare that nothing will ever work out. It's unearned disillusionment. It's smug and it makes you seem REALLY smart.
"Wha? Oh...nah. Become a great artist? That's not for me. It's for douchebags. Besides, that's like...impossible right? Art is in infinite pursuit, so I might as well take my hat out of the ring before we start."
What the eff, right? I don't want to be that guy! Who would? I hate talking with that guy! That guy bums me out at bars! That guy is content to listen to obscure bands and judge people from his brittle ivory tower. That guy...um...is me sometimes. But hell, as I say frequently, nobody is truly bound to their history! You're always free to doff the ties that bind you to the past and strike out on new adventures. We all do it without realizing it anyway! My current adventures, by the by, are taking me to lovely Salmon, Idaho to perform Shakespeare, eat at the Junkyard Bistro, and laze around in a bar owned by a local parkour practicioner. If it's anything like last year, it'll also involve some very interesting/bizarre encounters with townies who may or may not want to murder and or sleep with me. Wish me luck. If I return without all of my limbs, then I've done something wrong.
