"I think for me it took so long to be able to love another person
such a long time to grow up
get rid of all my self-involvement
all my worrying whether or not I measured up"
More posts eventually, I swear!
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
You Is Who You Is And You Ain't Who You 'Round
Turns out the only thing that can legitimize you is yourself.
'Course that's an easy one--but with preview for An Ideal Husband just around the corner (as in this evening) I've had to really take a look at the reasons WHY I do this. This acting thing, that is. For the past month n' change, I've had the strangest time of being here. During Shakesperience, I really felt like I was part of a group of wandering adventurers, all after the same goal. All chasing the same elusive thing. That thing, I guess, characterized itself when we rolled through places like Dietrich, Idaho (Population: 200) to do a show for every student they could rustle up. Us. Six little nomads in a Penske truck and a Minivan. Maybe I just liked how romantic that sounded.
So now THE SEASON begins. The big ol' summer season with its massive casts and techs and several directors and shows in repertory and Equity hours and out of town actors and the ISF vehicles with 'Bronco Motors' stickers and nights out and days in and rehearsal hours and staggered calls and absolute saturation of incredible talent. I feel I have thoroughly slipped through the cracks. And no--of COURSE that isn't true. Nobody getting paid what I am to do what I do has the right to feel like they've been 'left behind.' All that's happened is I've been forced to take a serious look at the why of the what.
I've thrust a massive personal stake in what I'm doing. For the past month, I've expected this summer season to act as a lever--to catapult me from the between-show-doldrums into some kind of state of utter fulfillment and theatre bliss. I tiptoed into rehearsals feeling confident until the very moment the veterans opened their mouths. Then I tensed up, froze up, and pushed out my lines like a horrible concretey dump. No wonder I felt so dishonest onstage. I WAS. I've been playing the impress game. I've had this ridiculous 'prodigal son finally returning to the land of professional theatre' thing in my head. Y'know. 'LOVE ME, I'M B(L)ACK.'
Silly.
But y'know--I forgive me. "It's all class." (David Alan Anderson, who plays Othello, says that. Brilliant quote.) Totally true. I'm still learning how to do all this. I'm a YEAR into the professional world, after all. Still learning. I mean...hell...I'm still planning to go back to grad school at some point!
So yes, I'm still alive! Making headway. Still dorky. Less hair.
Stay hungry, stay foolish.
Love,
Dak
'Course that's an easy one--but with preview for An Ideal Husband just around the corner (as in this evening) I've had to really take a look at the reasons WHY I do this. This acting thing, that is. For the past month n' change, I've had the strangest time of being here. During Shakesperience, I really felt like I was part of a group of wandering adventurers, all after the same goal. All chasing the same elusive thing. That thing, I guess, characterized itself when we rolled through places like Dietrich, Idaho (Population: 200) to do a show for every student they could rustle up. Us. Six little nomads in a Penske truck and a Minivan. Maybe I just liked how romantic that sounded.
So now THE SEASON begins. The big ol' summer season with its massive casts and techs and several directors and shows in repertory and Equity hours and out of town actors and the ISF vehicles with 'Bronco Motors' stickers and nights out and days in and rehearsal hours and staggered calls and absolute saturation of incredible talent. I feel I have thoroughly slipped through the cracks. And no--of COURSE that isn't true. Nobody getting paid what I am to do what I do has the right to feel like they've been 'left behind.' All that's happened is I've been forced to take a serious look at the why of the what.
I've thrust a massive personal stake in what I'm doing. For the past month, I've expected this summer season to act as a lever--to catapult me from the between-show-doldrums into some kind of state of utter fulfillment and theatre bliss. I tiptoed into rehearsals feeling confident until the very moment the veterans opened their mouths. Then I tensed up, froze up, and pushed out my lines like a horrible concretey dump. No wonder I felt so dishonest onstage. I WAS. I've been playing the impress game. I've had this ridiculous 'prodigal son finally returning to the land of professional theatre' thing in my head. Y'know. 'LOVE ME, I'M B(L)ACK.'
Silly.
But y'know--I forgive me. "It's all class." (David Alan Anderson, who plays Othello, says that. Brilliant quote.) Totally true. I'm still learning how to do all this. I'm a YEAR into the professional world, after all. Still learning. I mean...hell...I'm still planning to go back to grad school at some point!
So yes, I'm still alive! Making headway. Still dorky. Less hair.
Stay hungry, stay foolish.
Love,
Dak
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Yum Yum Sadness Buns
As you may or may not know, I'm back in Boise! WOOOOTSKIES!
Now that I'm part of a large ensemble with an enormous breadth of talent--its easy for me to go into "Oh boy...I'd better impress everyone or I'm gonna slip through the cracks nobody likes me boo hoo pass the black eyeliner." especially when rehearsing with very talented folks.
Most of which are extremely inclusive. That's the one where they're really friendly to you, right? Yeah, that one.
My pattern is to internalize my utter terror of such a large pond, then go into a spiral of self-loathing that's usually only halted by drinking myself into a stupor and vomiting into a flowerpot/newspaper stand/dogs mouth. A couple of Nebraska Shakes nights ended that way.
Instead though--as I do my best acting in a relaxed environment--I'm going to take this experience exactly as it is and just allow myself to be here and be open with it. I'm by no means a lead--so yeah, I do have to make my rehearsals count. I'm also by no means being judged by anybody. I'm already here...so what the fuck? What else matters? I'm going to give my all during my time and not worry about what so and so thinks of my 'moments'.
Workin' (with a)hard(-on),
Dak
Now that I'm part of a large ensemble with an enormous breadth of talent--its easy for me to go into "Oh boy...I'd better impress everyone or I'm gonna slip through the cracks nobody likes me boo hoo pass the black eyeliner." especially when rehearsing with very talented folks.
Most of which are extremely inclusive. That's the one where they're really friendly to you, right? Yeah, that one.
My pattern is to internalize my utter terror of such a large pond, then go into a spiral of self-loathing that's usually only halted by drinking myself into a stupor and vomiting into a flowerpot/newspaper stand/dogs mouth. A couple of Nebraska Shakes nights ended that way.
Instead though--as I do my best acting in a relaxed environment--I'm going to take this experience exactly as it is and just allow myself to be here and be open with it. I'm by no means a lead--so yeah, I do have to make my rehearsals count. I'm also by no means being judged by anybody. I'm already here...so what the fuck? What else matters? I'm going to give my all during my time and not worry about what so and so thinks of my 'moments'.
Workin' (with a)hard(-on),
Dak
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