Draculas

I watched this fantastic Stephen Fry documentary yesterday, and it got me thinkin' in my head and heartparts about some of the feelings I've been grappling with for the past year or so. Now I don't know if I'm on the bipolar scale at all, though that might be a trick of the ego--determined to save itself by declaring that admission 'a weakness' and distancing myself from it. I think my low points have more to do with being fairly lonely in the fishbowl that is this city, not having seen my family in about two years(!!?) and being hilariously broke most of the time. Like...gathering my change and deciding on laundry or eating broke. Like...having to choose which bill to pay broke. Like...trying not to jump out of my skin when folks invite me for dinner because HOLY CRAP A HOT MEAL broke. To be fair, I can now publish a cookbook entitled "The Resourceful Chef: Whipping up deliciousness with the random shit you find in your pantry."

Anyhoo, in the course of the aforementioned documentary, there was a quote that really jumped out at me.

"The opposite of depression isn't happiness, it's vitality."

Um...yep! Depression is a Dracula. Feeling how I generally do now hasn't stopped me from accessing happiness at all, it's just made a lot of things feel INCREDIBLY difficult to summon up the energy for. Creativity? What's the use! Of course I could write that play I have a zillion ideas for (what if schizophrenia was actually the result of parallel universes exhorting their influence on people who had a special sensitivity to 'quantum consciousness'?) And sure, I COULD put some hours into working on my game (it's 10 hours strong already, and I'm about to hit that part of the RPG where you finally get a vehicle--in this case an enchanted hunk of rock called the 'S.S. Partytime') and sure, I COULD write that song I've been thinking about (a snarky anti-ode to the contemporarily hip manic-pixie-dream-girl idea) but none of those things feel engaging to me. Rather--they feel like they wouldn't accomplish anything. Self-expression? Why? I can't pay rent with self-expression. Frankly, I believe this to be another sophisticated trick of the ego. "Why the fuck would anyone care about your art? You're just some douchebag with some geeky ideas, bro. You can talk mad game about it all, but what do you have to show for it? Until strangers are fawning over your brilliance, which by the way--you don't truly believe you possess, who the hell are YOU to deserve anything?" Um...in actuality, I've written several plays, short stories, poems, comics, and a novel...and I'm making a videogame--but those don't FEEL like 'work'. Why? Because Draculas can hypnotize. Draculas can dangle an expectation in your face like a carrot, and beat you with the stick of self-loathing for not achieving an impossible goal. And they can turn into bats, I guess.

So what's helped? I mean, I'm all about realizations, but it's only helpful to me if I can also reach a new understanding. Otherwise it's kinda' like...welp, this sucks! So, okay, anyhoo--honestly for me, being able to characterize these internal Draculas helps me externalize these thoughts I've considered 'reality' for so long. "MAN I SUCK AT EVERYTHING." becomes "Man, the Draculas are telling me I suck at everything(IRONIC, HAHAHAHA BECAUSE-)" and then relax back into my authentic self. Separating your feelings from your identity is critical--because how you feel about yourself isn't who you are. You are a complex miracle of a human being, and if you stopped to truly consider every single facet of what makes you you, you'd be staggered and amazed. You are enough. In this very moment, no bells and whistles, you are worthy. The Draculas have their own intentions, so understand what those are and meet them face to face. Shed a little sunlight on their pale skin and see them for what they really are.

Cuz it turns out, they're nothing but dust.

Love y'all!

Dak