There are a lot of ways to take that title the wrong way, let me explain:
I turned 30 a few days ago, which has been excellent and completely surreal. I tend to be one to dwell. To consider events, situations, and choices, rolling them around in my head until I've memorized all the nooks and crannies so I can find meaning in it. Well yeah, duh. Big gasp there--but it's not often that I allow myself to let these things GO. It's all well and good to learn your lesson, but keeping your pop quizzes tacked up on the fridge for an entire life is just a waste of fridge space--and that's a shame for all your sweet macaroni art.
I've been pretty terrified of death and dying for as long as I remember. Yeah, I've flirted with being invincible and all that (jumping out of a plane, being a teenager, etc.) but I've never quite felt like I was out of danger. Growing up how I did, feeling--for the most part--like a fugitive, then a disappointment, then shiftless and discontented, despite many successes and wonderful things in my life. Y'see, as it turns out, what I was trying to do was cling tightly to some long gone but well remembered vague feeling of "Things used to be better." followed by "I used to be better." After much frustration I would capitulate to "Things were different." and that alone was cause for self-doubt, self-hatred, and self-get-drunk. I don't know when I attached such negative associations with change, but it was always the great unknown--from which anything could jump out and rear its ugly head and serrated teeth. I taught myself to be afraid of it, as it was the domain of monsters.
Um...but yeah...that don't work.
What's wrong with change? The unknown isn't hiding monsters, it's hiding brand new bits and pieces of life. Sure, there are hurts and scrapes and bruises and mistakes and failures, but there are also successes and loves and happinesses and awesome (in the original sense) moments. In fact, change is what brought us all everything good in our lives.
Change is the death of the old for the sake of the new...and I was so afraid to 'die'. I was afraid to let go of all the things I assumed comprised the complete human being I am. I thought I'd be saying goodbye to safety. By embracing change, I was also embracing humanity's biggest inevitability--and that was the scariest part. I thought I was giving in. Yeah...giving in to a natural amazing aspect of life that you can't actually opt out of. So yes, three decades down the road and I've come around to accepting life's timeline, and godDAMN if that doesn't feel good for the soul.
I don't plan on kicking the bucket any time soon, but not because I'm clinging to safety at any cost. I just have lots left to do.
And so do you!
Stay fresh. Love,
Dak
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