Nobody's Hero

Ohasashiburi da na, y'all! Long time no see!

Um, also--I guess I'm not seeing you right now either. SEMANTICS.

I gotta' be honest, these months have been chock full of ups and downs. Primary among them was a dread/paralysis that I'm very used to and very tired of. Internally, my stomach starts to get hot, I begin to sweat, and I get tongue-tied. For like...weeks. I don't want to leave the house, since any interaction feels like it's got the highest stakes in the world. It turns me inward--to the point where I can summon up loneliness like a wizard. ACCIO DELUSIONS!

Granted, this has been a familiar feeling for me for quite a while--but never so intense as it's been this time, so after a chat with some of my...ohh...let's call them my Spirit Trust, I finally just got curious. And quiet. In dropping the heaviness and profundity of it all (OMG LIFE IS SO SERIOUS ALL THE TIME) I could actually explore where this thing came from and why I hold on to it so tightly. I could ask myself why this 'game over' scenario seemed to hang over my head like sweet mashup between The Pit and the Pendulum and the Sword of Damocles. Truth be told, it was simpler than I thought. I wanted to be everybody's hero...and not my own.

Four year old me got hurt. Four year old me felt like a pawn in everyone else's game. I never wanted anybody to suffer what I did--in the way that I did. In my mind, I could protect the world. More profoundly--I thought I had to.

So then what happens when I fuck up? What happens if I fail to perform? What happens if I slip on a banana peel and land face-down ass-hilariously-up in a pyramid display of EXTRA ABSORBENT SPORT PADS FOR THE LADY ON THE MOVE™ ? Well, what I thought happened was: in my failure to be a hero, I was letting down an entire world that I was supposed to be fixing. Or 'making safe for everyone'. I tried to perfect, I tried to be perfect, and I tried to make perfect. It felt inescapable--because it is.

It's also limiting. How the hell can I respect everything I am if it's all gotta' fit into this 'hero mold' of perfection? The answer is--I can't. Truth be told, I'm far too much of a rebellious, goofy, out-of-left-field kinda' guy to fit everybody's mold for what a conventional hero ought to be. Oh, also, it's not my job.

For decades, I'd been living according to principles I'd created as a fear reaction before I had any deep understanding of the world. I refuse to allow that to color my life anymore. I'm nobody's hero but my own.

And so are you. Fuck the dogma. Wear your cape. Use your powers for what YOU decide is the greatest good. Aquaman doesn't patrol Metropolis.

I'll see you in the skies.

Love,
Dak