Dearest Susie Slapcuntz

I don't know what your real name is--and I don't care.

Because I loathe you.

I am posting this at work because I can't wait until I get home to let you know just how much I'd like to uppercut you fiercely in the Clooteris. As a matter of fact, I've spent the last three rounds building up my Special Meter simply to unleash the most devastating final attack ever upon your filthy vagina. I hate you so much.

Firstly--no, you're not interesting. Lots of people dye their hair black. Lots more just have it. Turns out it comes that way. Yup. Just grows. And no, you're not pretty enough to be the Homing Torpedocunt that you are. I don't care what stupid half-literate dudes you drag around with you to make you feel better about your shallow lifeless existence. And y'know what? Reading about people in horrible situations doesn't impress me. You read "Rape: A Love Story"? That's great. I'm glad you read a lot and consider yourself cultured. Fantastic! I got you a prize! It's called a 'Bronzed Go-Fuck-Yourself'. It's shaped like my middle finger, spiked, and electrified. Feel free to repeatedly thrust it vigorously into your Cavernous Crustfactory. Front and rear entrances.

Secondly--don't call me by my first name. We are not friends. If we were friends, I would have to seriously rethink my lifestyle--as it would mean I had actually gone completely insane. As a matter of fact, the day we become friends is the day I leap off of a building into a flaming helicopter. The German fucker from Indiana Jones would be proud. Anyway--back to my point--which is I hate you and you're not interesting.

Thirdly--saying things like "I'm not nice." and "Can you not find the book? Or do you just suck at your job?" isn't cute. It's not endearing. That's called "Being obtuse because none of my other qualities make me feel validated as a human being." You're a bitch. Worse yet, you're a dumb bitch. Triple worse, you're a dumb bitch that thinks she's really smart. Quadruple worse, you're a dumb bitch that thinks she's really smart, has a huge hard-on over herself, and is utterly transparent. I hate you and everything you stand for.

The next time I see you--instead of just saying "Who are you and where do you come from?" as I did today. I will leap over the Information Desk and deliver a flying kick directly to that teeming quagmire between your chubby unattractive thighs while simultaneously dropping two elbows into your big dumb face and then--deftly using my prehensile COCK--I will pull a cord that will release a trapdoor beneath you, that will drop you directly into a pit of rabid ferocious hounds--who are on fire, and also robots. You will be torn to little bitty stupid boring shreds. You are so dumb.

Get the fuck out of my store,

Dakotah (Who is better than you.)

P.S. Your life is a lie.

Teh Updates!

HOOOO man.

You guys totally missed it.

So I dun gramaduated, then I gots me a job up at the Nebraska Shakespeare company.

Well, that was terse.

SO, what's new--

1. Living at home in LA again.
2. Let's hang out.
3. Looking for a job.
3a. Tearing out large chunks of hair.
4. Have a meeting with CESD on the 14th.
5. Doing a Brooks film this weekend.
6. Writing a play!
7. Starting to take on High School Daze in a professional capacity!
8. Seeing McJ and Deebsie a whole lot more!
9. Attacking Yahoo's 100 movies you have to see before you die list.
10. Getting significantly better on the Gwee-taur.
11. This list goes up to eleven.

Yeah, that's the mish-mash, kitty cats. I'd like to start updating this thingie more often. Chances are, it'll be the best way to document my experiences when I'm on tour in September. Matter of fact, I think this will lean more toward my experiences breaking into the field of acting. Biscuits!