Pantsless.

For the past week or so, I've kind of felt like I've been walking around without my pants on. While that HAS been accurate on some occasions, the rest of the time it feels a little awkward and breezy. I've been here for a measley couple of weeks, but a lot has changed in that time. Getting used to it proves to be all sorts of strange and interesting. In addition, as mentioned before, coming face to face with the most difficult role I've ever had is proving to tell me loads about myself. It's all interesting and it's all 'class'.


For instance--and this seems especially true for Shakespeare--I get terribly wrapped up in trying to be The Good Actor. If not, The Perfect Actor. That, by the way, has NOTHING to do with actually performing well. It's kind of an overcompensating defense mechanism I think I've incorporated into other aspects of my life. It avoids tension and it avoids mess. "Everyone look how GOOD I am. I DO belong here! Right? RIGHT?" is what it seems to say. I hate looking like I don't know what I'm doing, so I don't acknowledge the fact that I'm a beginner. We all are.

I can't quite say what I'm so terrified of. Embarrassed of. Ashamed of. Maybe I'm not fully committed to my strangeness? The larger my world becomes, the more my insecurities want me to hide behind a 'persona'...and the longer I do that, the less centered and present I feel. I know what the culmination of that is like, too. I get paralyzed, physically exhausted, mentally blocked, creatively stifled, and completely fearful. The worst part is that's easy for me to do. I've make-believed that the center of my universe is the rest of the universe. That's somehow served me well.

It also lets me be completely reactive to every situation I come across. Proactive solution? Hell no! Leave that to people with bad skin (ahyuck.)

I'm just tired of it. Of my own crap.

This may seem like something that shouldn't require a thought process, much less a constant concerted effort to maintain. Well for me it does. I'm learning to be okay with that.

Love you all, lovelies!
Dak