Getting to Know Me

Been a while!

So here's the sitch. Last weekend, some friends and I took a trip up to McCall Idaho to perform an adapted Hamlet that we wrote a handful of days prior. It was one of the most hectic, fun, ridiculous times I've had in a while. Essentially it proved to me how well things can still go under an immense amount of pressure. It also reinforced what I already knew about my talented friends. It also, unfortunately, reminded me of some aspects of myself that still need an incredible amount of work.

I think love and friendship are conditional.

Yes, it's still a notion I'm trying to work on/through. It's a rare instance in which I feel comfortable enough to reveal my 'true colors' to someone. Even to people that I love, or people that I'm close to. I've spent my entire life dancing around judgment--because it's been my theory that when people judge you, they aren't accepting you. I have a very difficult time with the idea that someone can like most of you, some of you, or even a tiny smidgen of you, and still be your friend. Still love you. Intellectually I know that, but it's tough to really GET it. Hell, there are plenty of friends of mine that I know I have to take with a grain of salt...but I refuse to let it go both ways. I hate what I tell myself when I'm being judged. I hate the physical reaction I get when I feel like I've wronged a friend. I hate the sick feeling and the "Jeez, well that's over. They'll never speak to me again." conclusion I jump to so frequently.

Yes, of course I know why I do that. At the same time, I've done very little with that knowledge. I've used it to hide further in my shell as opposed to looking at this method of behavior as a result of trauma. Again, it feels incredibly weak to admit this, but it's something that has been really staring me in the face lately. After McCall, I felt so anxious that I could barely sleep. At work the following day, I was a wreck. Only today do I feel like I'm beginning to examine this idea with any form of objectivity.

Cuz seriously...look...I love, respect, and accept a hell of a lot of people. It's not often that I do myself the same basic courtesy. It's just about time to be excited about who and what I am. It's about time to start accepting the fact that THIS IS NEW FOR ME.

It's also about time to wrap up this post with some bullet points.

• Please do yourself a favor and give this a read. It's just about the funniest, smartest, cleverest bit of self-reflection I have ever read.
• I'm planning a very long in-depth post about why a game from 1995 is still one of the best titles I've ever played. Here's a hint.
• I am not even CLOSE to thinking about the holidays.
• Um...this.
• Yet ANOTHER post I'm planning is all about attraction (in all forms.) Keep your pervy eyes peeled.
• Still poor? Yup. Still single? Yup. Really happy? Quite so.
  

Be well, loves!

DaBroTah

On Recovery

Since that post, I've been really trying to keep an eye on my patterns and behavior. Not in the restrictive sense, but in the "I'm not slipping back into the old ways, am I?" way. It's been strange, interesting, enlightening, and terrifying. Dealing with issues head-on has made me realize that I actually have the ability and wherewithal to do so. That's the scary part. Most of the stuff I've been terrified about has been resolved with a 20 minute phone call or a trip to the bank. To steal an analogy from Penny Arcade, it's as if there's suddenly a new law of physics...and I'm staring at all the objects falling to the earth instead of drifting into the sky.


That said, I've definitely had some relapse moments. As a matter of fact, I'd spent the better part of last week lamenting my lack of 'progress'. I didn't feel like anything had changed. I was frustrated that one blog post didn't change everything in the way that I'd fantasized it would. I didn't realize what a boon that feeling was. I'd stopped paying as much attention to myself as I was before...and I began slipping into smugness. I'd told myself "This is great! I did it! Wow...two decades of behavioral patterns reversed in a matter of weeks!" Nope. Nuh-uh. Doesn't quite work that way.

It's the fear, really. The fear started to creep its way back into my mind and I allowed it to happen. Before I knew it, I was caught up in a torrent of irrational anxiety. I'd started seeing rampant failure around every corner again. I'd started assuming the friends I was hanging out with would rather be doing something else. I was blowing every activity way out of proportion.

I stopped, took a breath, and told myself that I'm still working on it. Still working on me. I gave myself the time to work through the stuff I'm working through. I didn't just exhibit patience, which is the quality of quiet resolve, I took away the subliminal 'time limit' altogether. The moment I did that, oh man...I just got plain' ol giddy. Not only can I succeed, but I can succeed IN SPITE OF 'insurmountable' setbacks. Somehow this is still a new notion to me.

Anyhoo, things have been good! I'm co-directing my (very pretty and twice as talented) friend's one woman show right now--which has been a total blast. I love watching projects and people develop. The energy is completely contagious and I leave every rehearsal bouncing off the walls. It really makes me want to develop another one person piece. I don't know what the heck it'll be about, but I'll let my imagination take care of it.

And now, bullet points!

• Still haven't laid my hands on Skyrim, but I've been playing Skyward Sword with the aforementioned talented friend. I'm trying to figure out EXACTLY why it feels like such a throwback. It's like the love child of the NES Zelda and Wind Waker. More to come...maybe an entire post because I AM PROUD OF MY NERD-DOM.
• Seeing The Acheri this Saturday. Holy hell holy hell.
• Finally got Google music to work on my droid. Won't be needin' an(other) iPod. Sweets.
• This gal is re-teaching me how to knit! Clearly I'm in good hands.
• Oop, better go to work.

Love y'all!

Dak