Getting to Know Me

Been a while!

So here's the sitch. Last weekend, some friends and I took a trip up to McCall Idaho to perform an adapted Hamlet that we wrote a handful of days prior. It was one of the most hectic, fun, ridiculous times I've had in a while. Essentially it proved to me how well things can still go under an immense amount of pressure. It also reinforced what I already knew about my talented friends. It also, unfortunately, reminded me of some aspects of myself that still need an incredible amount of work.

I think love and friendship are conditional.

Yes, it's still a notion I'm trying to work on/through. It's a rare instance in which I feel comfortable enough to reveal my 'true colors' to someone. Even to people that I love, or people that I'm close to. I've spent my entire life dancing around judgment--because it's been my theory that when people judge you, they aren't accepting you. I have a very difficult time with the idea that someone can like most of you, some of you, or even a tiny smidgen of you, and still be your friend. Still love you. Intellectually I know that, but it's tough to really GET it. Hell, there are plenty of friends of mine that I know I have to take with a grain of salt...but I refuse to let it go both ways. I hate what I tell myself when I'm being judged. I hate the physical reaction I get when I feel like I've wronged a friend. I hate the sick feeling and the "Jeez, well that's over. They'll never speak to me again." conclusion I jump to so frequently.

Yes, of course I know why I do that. At the same time, I've done very little with that knowledge. I've used it to hide further in my shell as opposed to looking at this method of behavior as a result of trauma. Again, it feels incredibly weak to admit this, but it's something that has been really staring me in the face lately. After McCall, I felt so anxious that I could barely sleep. At work the following day, I was a wreck. Only today do I feel like I'm beginning to examine this idea with any form of objectivity.

Cuz seriously...look...I love, respect, and accept a hell of a lot of people. It's not often that I do myself the same basic courtesy. It's just about time to be excited about who and what I am. It's about time to start accepting the fact that THIS IS NEW FOR ME.

It's also about time to wrap up this post with some bullet points.

• Please do yourself a favor and give this a read. It's just about the funniest, smartest, cleverest bit of self-reflection I have ever read.
• I'm planning a very long in-depth post about why a game from 1995 is still one of the best titles I've ever played. Here's a hint.
• I am not even CLOSE to thinking about the holidays.
• Um...this.
• Yet ANOTHER post I'm planning is all about attraction (in all forms.) Keep your pervy eyes peeled.
• Still poor? Yup. Still single? Yup. Really happy? Quite so.
  

Be well, loves!

DaBroTah