Trouble with Tribulations

For the past two performances, I've found myself more nervous than I've been onstage for a decade. I want to blame the coffee. I want to blame the handful of days off. I want to blame a lot of things, but when it really comes down to it--diving into the recovery process has cracked open my emotions in some extremely interesting ways. I definitely had moments in yesterday's show where I was so aware of being onstage that my entire body was shaking. Imperceptibly, maybe, but I definitely knew it. I wanted to run and hide. I wanted to quit acting. I wanted to scream.

I don't exactly know what to do. As mentioned before, I get the best results onstage when I completely relax into the performance. Any other approach causes me to push or to be fake. To create stuff that doesn't make sense and to respond in a very surfacey cursory fashion. Relaxing prior to this show has felt all but impossible for the past two days. Maybe I need a longer warm-up? Maybe I need to dive headlong into the unknown? Again, I'm not sure EXACTLY what to do with this, so it scares me. The dramatic part of me wants to say "I've forgotten everything! I must re-learn acting!" The rest of me knows it'll actually involve a new and different approach...because even with the nerves...perhaps ESPECIALLY with the nerves, I had tiny moments of incredible clarity. I lost myself in the motion of the script. I had my confidence back. It felt more right then it ever has. I can feel the oscillation. "GONNA CRAP MYSELF GONNA CRAP MYSELF GONNA--whoa, I'm really being affected. I'm really playing...I'm GONNA CRAP MYSELF GONNA CRAP MYSELF-"

Who knows what this means? Maybe there's a way to marry this head-on approach with the relaxation that allows me to be really active on the stage. I hope there is.

And now, I leave you with Hipster Ezio Auditore De Firenze.


Love you all!

Dak