Memoir title: The Only Black Guy In Boise
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I'm writing from a coffee/breakfast stop on the outskirts of Downtown Boise, in the linen district. Yeah, I don't know what it means either, but there are bedspreads EVERYWHERE. As you can assume by the title, I'm feeling just the slightest bit out of place. Thankfully though, it has nothing to do with the attitude of the Boise-ites. If anything, their folly would be going out of their way to make me feel comfortable.
"You alright?"
"Yeah no, I'm fine...I'm just a little-"
"Can I get you some...y'know...grits?"
"I'm good--w..how do you know what that is?"
"Some fried chicken? Forty of high life?"
"Really, I'm good. Thanks..."
"I swept the stoop if you want to sit out there and play dice~"
"Really...thank you..but...I'm fine."
Also, I'm pretty sure I saw a drug deal or a hitman being hired on the way over here. Low-rider red sportscar pulls up to unsavory-looking individual (buzz cut, huge shorts, tats, apparent fear of showers) the window rolls down and the two have a hurried conversation in whispers and hisses. Eventually, I see the driver cruise off looking very pleased.
I dunno. Maybe they played a quick game of Yahtzee.
Quarter-Life Crisis Update:
Y'know how I'm usually bitching about wanting to bone down teh hardcores on ALL the girls? For some reason, as of late--I've had little to no...er...drive...whatsoever. In all aspects, really. It would be presumptuous to say "Life hands you a couple of defining moments, and you either rise to the occasion or spend the rest of your life chasing it." because I don't believe that. I think that's an easy way to make things look monstrous and terrifying. I'm sure its more organic than that. Even still--I feel like the lover left on the station platform. I'm still waving my kerchief and its almost sunset.
I know. Pretty gay analogy. I AM pretty gay.
I guess I constantly think I'm fighting. I pretend there are odds. Foes to defeat. Challenges to surmount...when life isn't really like that. Not the whole time. I should take time to relax...but I've just got that BUG still. Not the one that gets me to get up and fight tooth and nail--but the one that makes me tell myself "Dude, you fucked it up. You had your chance." and then mope and shrug. Walk along the train tracks and try to hitch a ride.
WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY ELSE REALIZE HOW AWESOME I AM?
I think that's the ridiculous notion I'm trying to shout.
Also there are a whole lot of white people in here.
Student Of The Month,
Dak
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
JEEZ MAN.
WOW.
So I'm definitely glad I got that last post off my chest--but I am NOT feeling that way anymore. I realize that what was stifling me so much was the fact that I was trapping myself. I was all like, "LOOK DeeKs. You ARE NOT ALLOWED to FUCK IT UP BIG TIME."
And y'know what? Eff that ess in the bee.
I am going to fuck up BIG HUGE TIMES. I'm going to bomb like the Luftwaffe (too soon..?) I am going to fall on my face in a heap of doo-doo sticks, and I'm going to stand right back up, pull up my pants, and do it again.
Let me lay it out on the table--
I'm TERRIFIED by the actors I'm working with. They're....like....PROFESSIONAL and shit. I know this comes with the territory. Me being a newcomer and all, I feel like I've got to establish that I belong there...but just my BEING there establishes that I belong there. The director isn't going to pull me aside midway through the run and say, "You know...I really think we made a mistake with you. This no-lines footman tea-serving thing REALLY isn't working out."
I AM BROKE LIKE JOKE. In communist Russia, BANK uses YOU! Oh..wait...that's everywhere... But yeah, I'll get a paycheck next Thursday...so I've REALLY got to make this 40 bucks last. If I'm gonna' go out, I'm going to PRE-GAME like a FACE.
SPEAKING OF GOING OUT--I mentioned the lack of bonage. (Annah, you know who to call if you ever swing by Idaho. ROWR. If you squint and I put on an accent, I am EXACTLY like Ricky Martin oh wait but not gay.) I realize it was just an extra thing to complain about. BESIDES WHO NEEDS ROMANTIC INTERLUDES WHEN YOU HAVE ANIME TO WATCH OH GOD I'M SUCH A FUCKING GEEK.
I vow to fuck it up in a major way, but only as a means to an end. How can you really be immortal if you don't shoot yourself in the face?
METAPHORICALLY--SWEET JESUS--METAPHORICALLY.
Suck My,
Dak
So I'm definitely glad I got that last post off my chest--but I am NOT feeling that way anymore. I realize that what was stifling me so much was the fact that I was trapping myself. I was all like, "LOOK DeeKs. You ARE NOT ALLOWED to FUCK IT UP BIG TIME."
And y'know what? Eff that ess in the bee.
I am going to fuck up BIG HUGE TIMES. I'm going to bomb like the Luftwaffe (too soon..?) I am going to fall on my face in a heap of doo-doo sticks, and I'm going to stand right back up, pull up my pants, and do it again.
Let me lay it out on the table--
I'm TERRIFIED by the actors I'm working with. They're....like....PROFESSIONAL and shit. I know this comes with the territory. Me being a newcomer and all, I feel like I've got to establish that I belong there...but just my BEING there establishes that I belong there. The director isn't going to pull me aside midway through the run and say, "You know...I really think we made a mistake with you. This no-lines footman tea-serving thing REALLY isn't working out."
I AM BROKE LIKE JOKE. In communist Russia, BANK uses YOU! Oh..wait...that's everywhere... But yeah, I'll get a paycheck next Thursday...so I've REALLY got to make this 40 bucks last. If I'm gonna' go out, I'm going to PRE-GAME like a FACE.
SPEAKING OF GOING OUT--I mentioned the lack of bonage. (Annah, you know who to call if you ever swing by Idaho. ROWR. If you squint and I put on an accent, I am EXACTLY like Ricky Martin oh wait but not gay.) I realize it was just an extra thing to complain about. BESIDES WHO NEEDS ROMANTIC INTERLUDES WHEN YOU HAVE ANIME TO WATCH OH GOD I'M SUCH A FUCKING GEEK.
I vow to fuck it up in a major way, but only as a means to an end. How can you really be immortal if you don't shoot yourself in the face?
METAPHORICALLY--SWEET JESUS--METAPHORICALLY.
Suck My,
Dak
Every couple of months or so, I get furiously depressed. It's a strange period of time where I'm absurdly anxious and find that I can barely hold up my end of a simple conversation without freaking out enormously over what I'm saying (or not saying.) Menial tasks become monstrous undertakings, and beneath my entire day creeps the notion that I am a walking failure.
This used to happen a lot in college.
Perhaps its a type of static electricity that's generated when expectations rub against reality. For a brief period of time today I managed to calm myself down by saying aloud "Nobody is expecting anything from me." At this moment now, however--in this coffee shop--with a shitty remix of 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' playing--with my heart going like a minigun in an action movie--I am vastly, supremely, unhappy.
My routine is: get up, water the lawn, feed the dog, feed the self, shower, go to rehearsal, say very little, go get coffee, watch Dr.Who, walk home, write, game, feed the dog again, eat dinner, fall asleep watching Samurai Champloo. There's nothing inherently psyche-crushing about this...but I cannot, for the life of me, escape that feeling.
Love just sounds fucking asinine to me (and believe me, I definitely tried to force it.)
BWARAHGLGHAHLGHAHAHAHAHHL.
I'm tiring myself with these complaints. Thanks for listening, though. I think the reality is I've just been feeling really lonely recently. I'm not generally one to be on my own side. I have trouble having my own back. I have a huge, fragile ego a lot of the time...so underneath whatever confidence I exude, there's usually a sinister voice--my OWN voice--whispering in my ear that I am absolute crap. That I have no idea what I'm doing, and that I've already failed years ago.
Again--expectation.
BUH. Can I please dig a hole and live in it for a while?
Or...y'know...get laid? That'd be cool, too. It's been several months after all.
Retardedly,
Dak
This used to happen a lot in college.
Perhaps its a type of static electricity that's generated when expectations rub against reality. For a brief period of time today I managed to calm myself down by saying aloud "Nobody is expecting anything from me." At this moment now, however--in this coffee shop--with a shitty remix of 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' playing--with my heart going like a minigun in an action movie--I am vastly, supremely, unhappy.
My routine is: get up, water the lawn, feed the dog, feed the self, shower, go to rehearsal, say very little, go get coffee, watch Dr.Who, walk home, write, game, feed the dog again, eat dinner, fall asleep watching Samurai Champloo. There's nothing inherently psyche-crushing about this...but I cannot, for the life of me, escape that feeling.
Love just sounds fucking asinine to me (and believe me, I definitely tried to force it.)
BWARAHGLGHAHLGHAHAHAHAHHL.
I'm tiring myself with these complaints. Thanks for listening, though. I think the reality is I've just been feeling really lonely recently. I'm not generally one to be on my own side. I have trouble having my own back. I have a huge, fragile ego a lot of the time...so underneath whatever confidence I exude, there's usually a sinister voice--my OWN voice--whispering in my ear that I am absolute crap. That I have no idea what I'm doing, and that I've already failed years ago.
Again--expectation.
BUH. Can I please dig a hole and live in it for a while?
Or...y'know...get laid? That'd be cool, too. It's been several months after all.
Retardedly,
Dak
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Grown-up Gamer
I was extremely lucky to start playing video games in 1985. (Or 1988 I guess...as its difficult to grip a controller as a newborn.) With the resurgence of gaming, thanks almost entirely to Nintendo, games burst through its marginalized niche and became a thing the entire family could enjoy. I got to watch gaming grow up and become what it is today.
Recently however, I've noticed I don't have quite the boner for any and all games as I used to. Age and experience caused me to develop this thing called 'taste'. I realize it takes more than high production values, crazy graphics, and tig ol' bitties to make me play a game now. I like to see things like 'integrity' and 'emotional resonance'. I'm expecting video games to finally sack up and act like every other medium.
A lot of folks my age are also into the indie gaming and art game scene. I understand the frustration with many mainstream games and big production companies pushing people (often huffing and puffing) into these other movements. And yeah, they absolutely have their merits. I don't consider a broad condemnation of the mainstream viable--especially because broad sweeping gestures are often the mark of laziness, cynicism, or BEING FUCKING 14 YEARS OLD (Was that irony just now? Hmm.)
When games are clearly presenting themselves in a way that says "Isn't this FUCKING AWESOME?" I have to roll my eyes. That feels utterly dishonest. Let ME make the decision about whether this is awesome or not. Show me that the main character can air-juggle an opponent using only their nipples and Oscar Wilde quotes, THEN I'll think the game is awesome. There are a few exceptions of games that can get away with this idea, because either they present it with a sense of humor (see No More Heroes, Bayonetta, and Devil May Cry) or they really MAKE you feel like the badass you're playing as (God of War, Zone of the Enders 2, Devil May Cry again..)
I can no longer abide JRPG bullshit. If I see one more goddamn overconfident, socially retarded hero or badass with a mysterious past--I'm going to vomit into a french press. If I see one more goddamn incapable healing chick, super peppy kawaii never-shuts-up motherfucker, or hey here's a robot because hey here's a robot (bonus points if you know what that's from), I am going to punch a building in the head. I understand that a lot of folks play these types of games for the familiarity that these characters (and storylines) possess. It's like, "Okay, when is my town going to be destroyed?" "When is what's-her-tits going to get kidnapped?" "What do they call 'fire' and 'ice' magic in this one?" "When is--" and so on and so on. How about another out-of-left-field ballpunch like Aeris's death or KEFKA FUCKING WINNING midway through the game!? Oh...uh...spoiler alert... Point is, I think those games are selling their audiences short when they aren't surprising them. After all, when do we discover the most about ourselves? Maybe that's asking Densetsu No Buraiken: Blazing Ether to do more then it's ever trying to do from the get-go.
It would require more research to do a broader more sweeping criticism of games-as-of-today...but there you go. THEY YOU FUCKIN' GO, MAN.
Now I'm off to make a lesson plan I mean probably play guitar.
DAK
Recently however, I've noticed I don't have quite the boner for any and all games as I used to. Age and experience caused me to develop this thing called 'taste'. I realize it takes more than high production values, crazy graphics, and tig ol' bitties to make me play a game now. I like to see things like 'integrity' and 'emotional resonance'. I'm expecting video games to finally sack up and act like every other medium.
A lot of folks my age are also into the indie gaming and art game scene. I understand the frustration with many mainstream games and big production companies pushing people (often huffing and puffing) into these other movements. And yeah, they absolutely have their merits. I don't consider a broad condemnation of the mainstream viable--especially because broad sweeping gestures are often the mark of laziness, cynicism, or BEING FUCKING 14 YEARS OLD (Was that irony just now? Hmm.)
When games are clearly presenting themselves in a way that says "Isn't this FUCKING AWESOME?" I have to roll my eyes. That feels utterly dishonest. Let ME make the decision about whether this is awesome or not. Show me that the main character can air-juggle an opponent using only their nipples and Oscar Wilde quotes, THEN I'll think the game is awesome. There are a few exceptions of games that can get away with this idea, because either they present it with a sense of humor (see No More Heroes, Bayonetta, and Devil May Cry) or they really MAKE you feel like the badass you're playing as (God of War, Zone of the Enders 2, Devil May Cry again..)
I can no longer abide JRPG bullshit. If I see one more goddamn overconfident, socially retarded hero or badass with a mysterious past--I'm going to vomit into a french press. If I see one more goddamn incapable healing chick, super peppy kawaii never-shuts-up motherfucker, or hey here's a robot because hey here's a robot (bonus points if you know what that's from), I am going to punch a building in the head. I understand that a lot of folks play these types of games for the familiarity that these characters (and storylines) possess. It's like, "Okay, when is my town going to be destroyed?" "When is what's-her-tits going to get kidnapped?" "What do they call 'fire' and 'ice' magic in this one?" "When is--" and so on and so on. How about another out-of-left-field ballpunch like Aeris's death or KEFKA FUCKING WINNING midway through the game!? Oh...uh...spoiler alert... Point is, I think those games are selling their audiences short when they aren't surprising them. After all, when do we discover the most about ourselves? Maybe that's asking Densetsu No Buraiken: Blazing Ether to do more then it's ever trying to do from the get-go.
It would require more research to do a broader more sweeping criticism of games-as-of-today...but there you go. THEY YOU FUCKIN' GO, MAN.
Now I'm off to make a lesson plan I mean probably play guitar.
DAK
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Off Again
It's been real, nyuggas--but I'm headed on up to the land of taters and ridiculously good-looking people again.
I had a great time being home for the month-ish, but I admit it will be great to have an income again and be able to hang out outside without burning to a crisp or taking the bus for three hours to see anyone. I've really got to find a 'thing I love to do' while I'm not doing the thing I love to do so I can quit whining about not doing it. The writing is going alright, and I'm actually starting work on another play. Matter of fact, I'm not sure how many finished plays this one will make. At least ten. Maybe two of those are decent, too.
On top of that, I've got to get back up on my webcomicing. Sorry, Doo Doo Thursdays--I like you. I REALLY do...but you take (arguably) hours of effort that I may or may not feel guilty about later.
In other news, I really want a goofy bike helmet. I wonder how tough it would be to get my hands on one once I'm in the Idaho region. Either that Daft Punk model or this weird one. I'll probably just grab one from Bern and decorate it with ridiculous stickers and stencils. Aside from that, I'm packin' for SUMMER, BITCHES.
I own two pairs of shorts...
Also--I think I'm going to have more TIME in the summer than I did during the tour. This means more HANGING OUT WITH CASTIES AND BOISEITES. Bois..Bois-ee-ites...Boys.. Ee..Yites.. Anyhoo--this means ORDERING 2ND EDITION D BOOKS. There are some interested parties...and I could whip up a pretty decent campaign to run while I'm not doing the show/going to coffee shops to talk to the super cute baristas/learning more songs/going to yoga at the Y or something/floating the river/camping up in the mountains/sitting bitch on Luke's bike when we hit up Idaho City for a day trip.
Man...activities out the wazoo.
Love love love,
Dak
I had a great time being home for the month-ish, but I admit it will be great to have an income again and be able to hang out outside without burning to a crisp or taking the bus for three hours to see anyone. I've really got to find a 'thing I love to do' while I'm not doing the thing I love to do so I can quit whining about not doing it. The writing is going alright, and I'm actually starting work on another play. Matter of fact, I'm not sure how many finished plays this one will make. At least ten. Maybe two of those are decent, too.
On top of that, I've got to get back up on my webcomicing. Sorry, Doo Doo Thursdays--I like you. I REALLY do...but you take (arguably) hours of effort that I may or may not feel guilty about later.
In other news, I really want a goofy bike helmet. I wonder how tough it would be to get my hands on one once I'm in the Idaho region. Either that Daft Punk model or this weird one. I'll probably just grab one from Bern and decorate it with ridiculous stickers and stencils. Aside from that, I'm packin' for SUMMER, BITCHES.
I own two pairs of shorts...
Also--I think I'm going to have more TIME in the summer than I did during the tour. This means more HANGING OUT WITH CASTIES AND BOISEITES. Bois..Bois-ee-ites...Boys.. Ee..Yites.. Anyhoo--this means ORDERING 2ND EDITION D BOOKS. There are some interested parties...and I could whip up a pretty decent campaign to run while I'm not doing the show/going to coffee shops to talk to the super cute baristas/learning more songs/going to yoga at the Y or something/floating the river/camping up in the mountains/sitting bitch on Luke's bike when we hit up Idaho City for a day trip.
Man...activities out the wazoo.
Love love love,
Dak
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Be The Strange You Want To See
I love hanging out with my buddy, Deebs. It's always somehow really enlightening. Some of the notions expressed during our two days of nearly nonstop shit-shooting:
Hmm.
Anyway, I'll post something funnier later. That's just been on my mind.
DAK!
- The world could be bettered simply with consideration and perspective.
- We aren't socially ready for the technology we've created.
- "Me getting into politics would be like joining the Dark Side to change the Empire."
- You must live your beliefs to the absolute fullest, and be ready to support and preach them.
- As an individual, you have an inherent duty to your community.
Hmm.
Anyway, I'll post something funnier later. That's just been on my mind.
DAK!
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