Eff This Noise

Excuse me?

Excuse me-

Can I just?

Can I just say this? I'm having a really weird time of things. I would say 'bad', but it's not--really. It's not. It's just...it's really weird. I can be okay with weird. Weird's not bad. They're different.

I'm here at home, where I feel like a powerless lump. I mean--sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I can still accomplish plenty--I just have a hard time not judging the quantifiable bullshit that stacks up. What is it about being home? About being an actor out of work that makes me feel like 'the curses through your teeth'?

My energy is devoid and lacking. My self-consciousness is in full-fucking-force. I am so entrenched in self-aware patterns that I feel like jumping into a lake and sinking to the bottom so I can build a nice flat down there. This stagnating miasma of perceived judgment is making me into a big, dumb, frightened child.

BUH.

It's off my chest. Kinda. I mean...you know me. You know I get like this. Every time you don't speak your mind, you're killing yourself. You are actually dying. When you hold back, that's one less modicum of self that doesn't exist because you've decided it doesn't belong.

I'm not made for this. I realize that. I GET it. But...but what NOW?

Time to create the world I want to live in.

Th...that's the secret. Create it. Fuck em if they can't take a joke.

I've spent an extremely long time railing against the 'way things are' but begrudgingly accepting them in the end as inevitabilities.

Fuck that shit. I can't abide it any longer.

Good riddance to bad bullshit.

Dak