A Cry For Help: 'Comedy' at the Off Kilt

Lolo parallel parks the car outside of the Off Kilt (Haha, note the two stars) at around nine last night, while her friend (a teensy Taiwanese girl with a dash of a Napoleonic complex) freaks out about cars possibly leaping out of the bushes to hit us. As we walk in, Lil' Sassypants informs me that it's either bad comedy or bad DJ night.

"Bad like...bad music?" I ask. "Like one sustained note for an hour?"
"No no,"
"Because that's very avant garde."
"No...like...he'll stop the song and have to spend three minutes looking for the next one."
"Ouch."

We walk over to the bar and I take a look around. It's dark and loud, and the people inside seem like the type to get rowdy drunk and start headbutting one another. One of the bartenders was a chiseled-face guy who was either gay or a regular on a soap opera. The other was a miniskirted gal who had her 'bartender shield' on. Oh that? That's what attractive bartenders eventually develop after being sloppily hit on by the 4,237th too-loud guy that really truly believes he will take her home that night.
We grab some drinks and take a seat at an empty (RED FLAG #1) booth toward the center of the place, near the stage (RED FLAGS # 2, 3, 4, and 5-30.) The overly loud 90s song ends with 2 minutes of scuffling, which leads me to believe it's bad DJ night. Oh...oh was I wrong.

"How's everybody doin'?" A spectacled host shouts into a microphone. Our table is front and center, so I can't avoid making polite eye contact. This, I will eventually find out, yields some hilarious results.
"Good." I respond. I'm one of about four people who say anything back. This is due to the fact that its NINE THIRTY on a WEDNESDAY and there were roughly 14 people in the bar, including the 8 man lineup of comedians. Things are getting exciting already--because I can feel the desperation in the host's repeated attempts at audience rapport already. I also realize that me, Lolo, Sassy, and whoever joins us are going to be at the epicenter of it all. Good thing I wore my vest.

I'll say right now--there was possibly one or two funny things said during 'comedy night', and neither was by a comedian.

The main problem was the fact that they all had the idea that it was a bad house--and I won't argue with them there. It wasn't late enough for people to be drunk enough to laugh loudly enough (TRIPLE ENOUGH BONUS), and all the race and sex jokes they were throwing out there--with increasing volume and urgency--just weren't landing. They just weren't that funny. And hey, I'm sure the job is hard--but the solution isn't to try and tear the audience a new one every time your shit gets no response. OH and don't get me wrong--I got a HUGE kick out of it. I'll give some examples of what they said-

"Yeah THIS guy's got the idea. He's got TWO ladies." To me, sitting with Lolo and Sassy.
"Yep." I reply.
"Which one you gonna' fuck tonight?"
"Neither." I say.
He looks at me.

"Girl, you sexy. You sexy as hell. I'd get you pregnant on PURPOSE." one guy says to sassy.
She glares at him. I giggle.
"Girl, why you grumpy? You from grumpyville?"
"I'm from 'Don't Talk To Retarded Commediansville'."
Sassy is awesome.
"Retarded?" the guy does an impression of a retarded person. Apparently it's either this or his 'Japanese Orgasm'--which he would've done, except Sassy isn't a kind of Asian he has a joke for.

"HEY, LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT THE MATH CLUB OVER HERE." says a woman who is actually a character Tash would make up for Sketch N' Sniff. "WHAT'S GOING ON, MATH CLUB?"
"Long division, mostly." I reply.

"Ey yo, this guy's dressed like Kanye. What up, Kanye?"
This was, I realize only too late, a perfect time to take the mike and say, "Listen, I'm real proud of you, and Ima' let you finish--but Eddie Murphy had some of the best audience referential comedy of ALL TIME."

At me and Lolo. "Yeah, you know they fuckin'. He's doin' that thing where he got his hand on her thigh like 'we gon fuck tonight'."
If by 'thigh' he meant 'knee' and by 'we gon fuck tonight' he meant 'we gon talk about how jealous we are of her boyfriend in Syria' then he's right on the money.

Eventually, we took off. It was just getting too terrible. It was like squishing a spider, then watching it drag itself across the floor on its remaining legs. The rest of the night was way more fun...and way funnier.

Love love love and Cocoa Puffs,
Dakabilly