More like...TAINTSgiving!

OOH, NOT QUITE ASS, NOT QUITE BALLS.

Stuff THAT.

Nah, but on the real though--I'd like to take a moment to give thanks for the random little things I don't usually cover on tomorrow's holiday. LET'S GET OBSCURE!

I'M TAINTFUL FOR-

TIES
Hell yes. I effing love ties. Every time I where I tie, someone at work compliments me on being "Such a gentleman." HAH! FOOLED EM.

SEWING ABILITY
Thanks to this, you'll never see my satchel through the spy window of my trousers.

BADASS BUNNIES
See 'Watership Down'.

OGTMNT
The original motherfucking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles series and its ensuing spinoff products. Thems were the glory days. My brother and I had just about every single action figure there was. Ooze slinging Turtlemobile? Check-a-roo. Mechaturtle with the glowing eyes? DOUBLE-check-a-roo. Worst day of my life? Leaving an original 'Bebop' on the bus when I was 6. Weep.

YOGA
Release stored bodily tension and teabag yourself. I'm just sayin'. Two birds n' all that.

THE SHUFFLE OPTION
You dim the lights down and slink your way to the bedroom as sexily as possible. Before you and your main squeeze get down--you decide to turn on some music to help the mood.

"Ain't no thang, baby gurl-" you say, "I'll put this iPod on shuffle."

Great idea if you're me.

"I--er--I can explain!" you stammer, tripping over your pants. BUT THERE'S NO EXPLAINING. No explanation is good enough to rectify "Nookie" or "Boom Boom Boom Boom, I Want You In My Room". Thank you shuffle, you keep my life a romantic comedy.

COMMUNAL FOOD
French fries. Nachos. Hot Wings. I love eating with my hands with people I adore. If you've ever been to a Moroccan (or really any region with communal hand-eatin' goodness) restaurant and shared an entree with several friends and their digits, you feel so much closer than you do with knives and forks and separate plates. YUMS.

Just don't invite butt-pickin' Kyle.

OBSCURE JOKES
If any of the above links made you giggle, you're on my team. And THIS kickball season? We're taking home the DOUBLE-GOLD.

Yup yup yup, those are some of the random things that I don't usually give enough love to. All that aside, I'm extremely thankful for my friends and family, who I love DEARLY. Even if I don't call or write you all the time (and that's my badsky, a fault I'll work on) know that if you were here, I'd give you an elaborate high-five and take you drinking/dancing/for a Cinnabon. You're--sniffle--you're so cool.

Vibes,
Dakotah

P.S. Mofos, what is YOU be fankful fo? Leave a comment! I wantsta' know!