My only interactions with romance novels involve putting them back on the shelves and ordering embarrassingly large numbers of them for customers at the info desk. Walking through our romance section is like being in a room wallpapered with rippling abs and biceps. Not entirely unlike Silent Hill, actually. Adorning the HOT MAN BEEF are titles like, "Tamed By A Laird", "Seduction At Sunset" and my current favorite, "Thong On Fire". These books make up-no joke-about 40 percent of our sales.
I really REALLY want to write one that's clearly written by a (perhaps adolescent) male. Something like "Doin' It With a Viking" or "Lady Covington's Luscious Butthole". I'd replace things like,
"Nothing cooled the hot rush of desire focused between his thighs, even the near certainty that he wouldn't get Nicole into bed tonight any more than he had lured her into the shower. She wanted to wait, to play. He wanted to spread those long legs and sink into her until she didn't know anything but the taste of him, the feel of him, and the screaming ecstasy they would share."
With
"She crammed his weiner into her mouth like a hot churro from CostCo. He was mexican, so this made total sense. After a while, she spat out his wee-wee and told him to dip it in her hoo-hah. He obliged, but in Spanish. They did it with each other for like 8 days and then ordered a pizza."
I think I'm on to something. The cover of the novel will be me giving the thumbs up with one hand and holding the book with the other.
this is one of the most fantastic posts i've EVER read. EVER. by ANYONE. made all the more amusing by my memory of you buying me a churro at disneyland.
ReplyDeletegotta love hot fried cinnamon-sugar coated man beef.
The only problem with your cover idea is that Stephen Colbert basically did the same thing for I Am America.
ReplyDeleteAw hell. I'll have to do a picture of Jehuty instead.
ReplyDeleteI think you should just photo-shop a churro over some guys groin and have a 50s era woman gasping and looking at the reader.
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