Visiting SB for long periods of time always makes me feel a little out of it. Lemme' break it down into videogame terms.
I beat that level....right? I mean, save for some missed trophies and such I figure I did pretty well. I got most of the hidden weapons and didn't Game Over at all...so I figure that's good stuff. Then I come back to the fucking first level in the game...except for some reason, most of my abilities are reset. It's like... "Where's double-jump? Where's that wind spell that helped me clear Shattered Basin of all those Deathhawks?" I'm sitting here with...like...water. Water magic. Water magic always sucks. I don't care if you think I'm wrong--it's because you're wrong and you're stupid.
At work...er...in the cave here in the first area, my controls keep freezing up--and when I finally manage to actually pull off one of my high-level techniques, I get penalized for it. I feel like I'm losing score fast. The game's been stuck at 24% completion and hasn't budged since Macbeth a few months ago. On top of that, I'm tired of my own bitching. ("So are we." Mutter the masses. "Yeah, well eat a dick." I reply.)
Fundamentally it's a problem with motion. Despite the fact that I've actually come an incredibly long way in a stupidly short time keeps getting lost behind the fact that I don't have a car yet, and I'm shitty with money, and I haven't produced a webcomic or a performance art piece down here. (When I say "Down here", I am gesturing to my scrotal sack.) Going away was so amazing--but therein lies the problem...it was SOOO AMAZING. I've just gotta' find the freedom and the enjoyment that ARE here in TEH EFFING GODDAMN VALLEY. Maybe if I resented it less.
Sure, I'll just fucking flip that switch.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Love love love--srsly. :)
Dakotah
P.S. On the real, though--I'll work on enjoying myself more.
The issue, I think, is that you're straining to fill ALL of your time with steps forward. Going to UCSB was a huge step forward, your time spent there was lots of continuous steps forward, graduating was a huge step forward. You seem to get stuck in this rut where you think you aren't moving forward anymore, but you're just plain wrong.
ReplyDeleteStop thinking that nothing's happening. You're going to Idaho soon to play the lead role in Othello (a guy named Frank). Stop ruining yourself thinking that you're wasting your time until then. What else could you possibly schedule right now? Without screwing up Othello?
You're absolutely right. I get on my ass about moving forward a lot--because I'm concerned about the alternative--when the reality is one actually can't help but move forward. Thanks, man.
ReplyDeleteIt's not even a matter of not helping but moving forward, it's that you're attacking yourself for not filling EVERY WAKING MOMENT with moving forward. To go back to my whole steps approach, back in school, you were make gradual, small steps. Since graduation, you're making fewer steps, but they're HUGE steps. Macbeth was huge. Othello is huge.
ReplyDeleteIt's a different pace from school, but you're still moving.