SO, widdout furder a doo-doo sticks. Here's the first one!
Deals
How's it goin'? How are ya'? How's the family? Yeah, yeah. Go ahead and have a seat there.
The man in a suit arranges some papers on his desk.
Aaaalright. So I've been looking through your file and it looks like just about everything is in order. You must have a good...guy. It's all up to date. You've got documentation for everything. Good. We can get down to brass tacks. The real..ah..meat of the deal. So- The man folds his hands -I've prepared a few deals for you based on your current financial situation, and I think you're going to enjoy what I've come up with. First off, you've got your basic deal. You have free access to the green paved roads, with bonus days on Sunday and Thursday, where you can use the red and blue roads from seven pm until midnight. All the standard pedestrian walkways are free and the premium walking paths are pay-as-you-go. You don't have to worry about that, though—I'm looking through your usual routes on here...aaaaand yeah, no you'll be good. Oop, wait—you'll have to take a slightly more scenic path to and from the grocery store, but that's fine. We could all use the exercise, am I right? I'll go ahead and throw in public toilets within a certain area and, if you don't mind the small surcharge, you can have access to 'raising your voice'. That's a good deal. If I were you, I'd keep that one in the docket. You won't find an access deal much better than that.
Hm? Go on?
Alright! I knew you had a nose for values, my friend. The next deal is a bit tricky. I had to do some finagling to draw this one up, but I know my loopholes. This is like the last one; green roads anytime, bonus days, walking paths—no premium walking paths at all, but whatever you'd be paying for those goes directly into talking with premium members. How's that? Say you go to a bar—well, assuming you pay for entertainment access of course—but say you go to a bar, see a nice looking lady across the way—but boom, you realize she's paying for premium access. You'd never be able to speak to her. Or, y'know, more specifically the anvil in her inner ear is tuned to a wavelength that doesn't accept incoming sound from public sources. You can talk all you want—at a normal volume until you pay to upgrade—and she wouldn't hear a word of it. But now, with this other deal, you can give her a 'hello'. Spring for a few drinks and take her home along the green roads. Of course you'd only be able to converse once you're back there. I mean...it's a shame they don't make other options available for more...ah..frugal individuals...but y'know how it is. I don't make the rules here. Hey, if you get that raise though—we might be able to tack on a basic touching plan. Get some interaction going on? Hm? Anyway, I would take that one. That one's veeery—huh? Oh. I gotcha. Okay, nothing flashy. That's fine. I understand that. You're saving up. That's great. I totally respect that. We can dial it down so you can afford it. Are you interested in the..ah...no-frills deal?
Okay, yeah—just let me...
The Man in the Suit flips through the papers on his desk, singles one out with a slight hint of disgust.
..Alright, here we are. Ultra-Basic. You get green roads on weekdays from six am to five pm. After that they're off-limits...so try not to drive before or after that. It'd be an automatic violation, and nobody wants to see that happen, am I right? Standard pedestrian walkways are free on weekdays, but the tolls are in effect on weekends and holidays. In addition, there are blackout days where...ah...where I suggest you find something really good on TV.
The Man laughs.
Speech is basic-to-basic, 'raising your voice' is charged per-use and you have an exertion cap of forty minutes total...weekly aaand no more than ten minutes a day. You'll have to ahh...cut the jogging routes a little shorter now, eh? That's about it, if you're interested. It's a good deal, don't get me wrong. If I could afford to cut back on some of the finer things, I'd be on it myself. Unfortunately the ol' yacht won't sail itself. Am I right? Huh? Am I right?
i can't believe nobody's commented on this yet. it's brilliant. i think everyone is in awe of your hardcore creative writing skillez.
ReplyDeleteor they're terrified about how strangely familiar the scenario is.
you have the ability (curse?) to see the world in such a completely -- i dunno -- just an incredibly skewed way. i don't know how you manage to do that without going completely insane, but you know, while it lasts, it's grand.
and i'm not just talking about this one piece, btw. you just DO that, all the time. look at things differently, i mean. "creative genius", i'd call it, mostly because you could probably turn it around on me really easily if you wanted, and i like the sound of that a lot.
none of this is at all insightful or constructive, i realize. but SOMEBODY had to comment.
I'd yell at you, but I don't wanna pay for it.
ReplyDelete