Monologue Fest! (Part Two)

Here's number 2 of 5. Yahoo!

Casual Encounter

Lights up on an attractive man typing away on a laptop. 'The Girl From Ipanema' plays from the speaker. He clicks around a bit, then stops and looks at his screen. He looks up.

“Tongue in your bung. M for W. I get pleasure from giving your nice sweet ass oral until you (finger quotes) 'Assgasm'. You need to be very clean...et cetra et cetra....I will lick and tongue your backdoor for as long you like.” The man lets out a sigh and shakes his head. Definitely not one of mine. The man puts his laptop aside. Who would wanna' go on a rollercoaster called “There are three loops in it”? Hm? “This one spins around”? There's no...mystery here. No excitement. No, sweetie—this was clearly made in haste. You've got to take your time, even with Casual Encounters.

Oh I'm sorry--you are...familiar?

Oh, honey--let me educate you! In the era of technology, where everything is at your fingertips—hmm—we still need that extra little bit of connection. Not just talking to an old college friend, not just gettin' coffee witcher coworkers, but—well—fuckin'. Even the magical iPhone hasn't solved that problem. I can press a button to find the nearest sushi restaurant, make a reservation, and have drinks on the table by the time I get there—but my dick certainly won't suck itself. Pause To be crass. So they've got a little place online where you can write out a one-line personal ad to get—hmm--what you want. The only problem is that most people are not the eloquent type. They want what they want and they can't think of anything else. For example. The man picks up his laptop again, clicks around a bit, then looks at his screen with satisfaction. “Hey, where's the giant cocks at? Hungry for deepthroat and a tight ass.” Man cocks his eyebrow. I won't even get into the spellin' errors, but this definitely does not serve to entice. It's written like bathroom scrawl. Utterly no magic at all. This nervous little boy should have come to me. I am what you'd call a 'Marketing Expert'. People come to me to add a little flavor to their—hm—'invitations'. For example this lady e-mails me one day, says “Look, I'm twenty-eight, gorgeous, and a dancer—and all I want is a good no-strings-attached fuck.” I say to her “Sweetie, you've got to be eloquent. Mysterious. A little witty, a little charming. You've gotta' sell it. None o' this hamfisted 'light brown hair, blue eyes, huge breasts' junk. Lure em in~” So for a little fee, I turned her desire into a regular rolex ad. Ahem--

The man clicks around on his laptop, grins, then looks at the audience.

First line--”You got one leg over your shoulder.” Intrigued? Of course you are. The man clicks dramatically. Ka-lick-ka. “Now contact me. You won't be sorry. I'm willing, open minded and I am able to bend to both of our wills and twist into some pretty crazy positions. Let's show the Kama Sutra what we can do!” Now that is an ad. That was written by yours truly. Y'see, there's a major difference between....the man clicks around ...ah—'Young Stud Em for Em'—aaaand...the man clicks around again...'Part saving the world...part savoring it'. Isn't there? Now--the man closes his laptop and leans forward --what can I do for you?

P.S. All of the examples in this monologue are REAL CRAIGSLIST ADS.